Odds and Odd

Since The Normal Blogger is a respected gambler (once a year at the races, the $5 blackjack table on a cruise ship, the NCAA pool) he is naturally qualified to set the odds on the likely occurrence of the following matters of current interest.

Odds that upon the conclusion of the final primary in insignificant South Dakota (it all began in not too important Iowa), Hillary Clinton, having failed to scale Mount Rushmore, will magnanimously and modestly agree to be Barack Obama's running mate. 10 to 1

Odds that the Secret Service will employ a royal taster for any food or drink that might be offered to President Obama by Vice President Clinton (or Bill), especially after Hillary played the "assassination" card. 2 to 1

Odds that anyone will believe anything now written or previously uttered by former Bush press secretary Scott McClellan, the latest example of someone in the public eye having a sudden conscience attack in order to sell a book that nobody reads since all the good parts are revealed in advance. 100 to 1

Odds that in the near future, there will be an all Asian major league infield of Hu, Yu, Wu and Nu (OK, the latter is Yiddish). This is also odd because at a recent game at Wrigley Field, it was announced that "Who's on First". No, not the old Abbott and Costello routine but actually Dodger pinch runner Chin Lung Hu, who is really a shortstop. 20 to 1

Odds that a groom on his honeymoon at the famous resort Days Inn of Merrillville, Indiana will attempt to drown his bride in a hot tub and bite off part of her skin for refusing his amorous advances. Off the Board
No betting on this one, since it actually happened (allegedly). Talk about ODD.

Annoyances

None of these are earth shattering or thank goodness life threatening but maybe you'll recognize some of the daily annoyances facing The Normal Blogger and indeed all of us.

• Rude Cell Phone Users Don't you just love those individuals who insist on carrying on loud, lengthy and often very personal conversations in the most public of places--commuter trains, restaurants, doctors' waiting rooms, etc.? Should you even glance their way while they are so preoccupied, they act as if you're invading their space instead of the opposite. Suggestion--try whistling to distract them.
• Automated Answering Systems What's more frustrating --being placed in "cell hell" (on hold) interminably while being reassured that "your call is important to us" (if it were, a human would be employed to respond) or when someone actually picks up you find that it's the wrong person, they don't have a clue or they're in Bangladesh or all of the above? Suggestion-- leave a slightly profane message and see if someone responds (perhaps the authorities).
• Illiterate E-Mails Ever wonder why otherwise intelligent, educated and civilized people send you E-Mails that are poorly punctuated (if at all), riddled with typos and misspellings and in general look like English is the sender's second language? Apparently, there's such an air of informality associated with computers that anything goes. This of course has led to the younger generation's aptitude with text and instant messages, all written in some kind of code (LOL, BTY) that seems like Latin to TNB. Suggestion-- try sending your E-Mails in code and see if anyone notices. They'll probably think it's just a typo.
• Prices Ending in Nine Does anyone really believe that $4.299 per gallon isn't the same as $4.30? Or that a home listed for $799,999 isn't the same as $800,000? Or that an auto listed at $29,999 isn't being erroneously reported as "under $30,000"? Are we so psyched out by the next higher round amount that we'll be prevented from purchasing the item in question? Hard to imagine. Suggestion-- insist on paying the higher round amount saying "keep the change" (even at the gas station it's only a penny or two). You'll feel a lot better and be proud of yourself. TNB will also be proud of you.
• Medical Commercials Appearing primarily on TV programs generally watched by seniors such as the news (or frequently in the case of Viagra and its colleagues on sporting events) the Federally restrictive advertising of pharmaceutical products has given birth to a whole new genre of commercials. These are generally shot in sort of a gauzy haze with extremely healthy looking actors hawking the latest cure for some disease you've hopefully never heard of but with the most dire side effects imaginable. Most are pretty offensive despite the high production values. Suggestion-- as the commercials instruct you, ask your doctor about all these medications, relevant to you or otherwise. Be prepared however to be charged for the physician's response (or maybe you'll get a sample).

24

Naturally, the number 24 is very significant in our daily lives. The ubiquitous term "24/7" can't be avoided as in "our staff is on call 24/7 to serve you" which often means you can reach a robot or someone in Calcutta whenever you desire. And of course there's the popular Fox series "24" which depicts a different hour of the same day spread out over a 24 week TV season. But TNB has unearthed an even more relevant example of just how important this number is to all of us.

Hard to believe but this coming Tuesday, May 20 will mark the beginning of the last 24 weeks of the presidential campaign. Yes, only 168 more days to be assaulted with campaign rhetoric, TV ads (just wait until October), debates, editorials , etc. Now that it appears (still not certain on the Democratic side) that it will be McCain vs. Obama, attention is turning towards the possible vice presidential choices. The pundits suggest someone to "balance the ticket" (as a CPA in his day job TNB loves for things to be in balance). The VP must be from a different part of the country, be either older or younger than the respective presidential nominees, have appeal to a somewhat different constituency and of course be "qualified" to assume the presidency if need be.

Mike Huckabee had been mentioned as a possibility for the Republicans until he chewed off his toes with a remark to the NRA about maybe someone shooting Obama. We don't need this kind of "humor". So why not, as they say, shouldn't McCain think "out of the box" (a very strange term, if you think about it)? Why not someone who fits the above criteria and has been frequently mentioned as a VP possibility? Yes, Hillary !!! Considering the actuarial tables, she probably has a better chance of fulfilling her destiny as McCain's running mate, rather than Obamas. And speaking of consituencies, she could easily bring along the toothless, obese, racist ("I'd never vote for that darky") vote that she apparently appeals to in Appalachia and perhaps elsewhere.

The Bottom Line

The disturbing economic news of the day has few silver linings. Everyone seems to be hurting, what with gas prices at $4 per gallon and rising food, tuition and other costs at all time highs, depressed housing markets and foreclosures all over the news and (gasp!) even some hedge fund managers and CEO's of certain major companies seeing their often obscene bonuses reduced to merely profane. In addition, there are all the chain store closings and layoffs. Of course, the rebate checks are coming!!!

Since, as most of you know, TNB has spent his pre-literary career in the business world, primarily as an auditor, he feels the compelling need to explain many of the complex, technical and arcane terms regarding business and the economy that might be confusing. Auditors are taught to exercise healthy skepticism in their dealings with clients and others. It's not a stretch for some of you to perceive that the slightly sarcastic attitude of this blog is a result of such "healthy "skepticism having a few medical issues. So, in the spirit of such cynicism (healthy or otherwise) following are several important terms you need to understand:

• We're Going In A Different Direction This isn't, as you might expect, heading to the North Pole when the South Pole was your destination. This generally means "you're fired" (very indirect for say Donald Trump) or we've chosen another supplier, product, location or whatever. Why be direct when a euphemism makes you feel better?
• We've Met Our Targeted Expectations When results are poor, companies often claim that despite regrouping, retrenchment, political upheaval in some obscure foreign country or perhaps global warming, they at least achieved the (extremely modest) amounts that had been predicted. Of course, these excuses can't last too long before the executives of the company in question are asked to go in a different direction.
• We Haven't Seen The Lawsuit Yet When particularly embarrassing litigation or worse yet criminal action has been brought against a company it's always better to delay comments until the "spin doctors" (see post of April 28) can get their act together. Then they'll probably state "we believe this action to be without merit and intend to fight it vigorously", which means that we'll stall indefinitely and hope for a reasonable settlement or for the legal fees to ruin the other side.
• We Are Focused On The Bottom Line This sometimes means simply that a company hopes that its net income (reported on the bottom line of its operating statement) will be well above "targeted expectations" (see above) or conversely its net loss (same bottom line) won't be too unexplainable, even by a spin doctor. Or it may mean that the company's entire criterion for success is such bottom line, even at the risk of say polluting the environment or producing inferior or harmful products. Watch the bottom line, measure it accurately (that's the auditor talking) but don't be obsessed by it.

Page Six

Although The Normal Blog is known far and wide (!) for its high level of intellectual discourse, there has been a clamor (OK one person) for at least one downmarket issue (or post--see below) covering the celebrity kinks and foibles everyone really cares about. So emulating the famous Page Six gossip coverage of the New York Post (actually it's usually found on page 8 or 10) we will give TNB's comments on the following pressing matters:

Miley Cyrus and the Vanity Fair photo-- With all the adults supposedly outraged over 15 year old tween heroine Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana baring her shoulder and her green bra strap, you would think Disney's billion dollar franchise was being threatened by an outbreak of acne or something among their core audience of 6 to 14 year old girls. Surprisingly to those of you who perceive TNB as a Gen Xer in real life he has, among other grandchildren, girls 6, 8 and 11, all devoted fans who are possibly in mortal danger of being offended by the provocative Annie Leibowitz shot. Or are they? None of them are even aware of the controversy, probably sparked by the magazine or the movie studio for some great free publicity.

Roger Clemens and the Country Singer--So the famous Texas born pitcher, HGH spokesperson and darling of fawning GOP congressmen is alleged to have had an affair with a 15 year old (now grown into a 32 year old in drug rehab, but I digress). TNB is only concerned that she wasn't one of the dozens of vulnerable teenagers, most of whom are regularly pregnant by their brothers or uncles or someone similar, from the infamous polygamy compound. Roger didn't have to sink that low, did he?

Barbara Walters and Edward Brooke--No big surprise that in order to sell more copies of her upcoming autobiography (carefully edited, of course), Barbara disclosed a long ago affair with then married Edward Brooke, who interestingly was the last black man elected to the US Senate prior to you know who. This should dispel that canard about bad relations between Jews and African-Americans. Apparently, their relations were OK (wait for the book!). TNB really misses the late, great Gilda Radner with her devastating impressiom of Barbara WaWa.

After an entire post has been devoted to the trashy tabloid stories of the day, feel secure that in the future TNS will once again take the moral high ground.