When Did It Happen

WHEN DID IT HAPPEN that it became acceptable for airlines to squeeze out the last ounce of civility from air travel by introducing "a la carte"pricing? Should you need to check a bag or two, a real luxury for most travelers, how about an extra fee on top of of the greatly increased fares resulting from oil price gouging (sorry, just the "law of supply and demand" at work). Or if you're hungry on a 4 hour flight (of course delayed an hour or two) and failed to bring any food aboard, how about a bag of chips or a cookie for $3 (credit cards accepted). No doubt we will soon see a matron outside the lavatory passing out individual sheets of toilet paper for say 25 cents (credit cards accepted).

WHEN DID IT HAPPEN that it is no longer shocking to see people parading around in obscene T-shirts, incredibly revealing outfits (just love those coin slots!) and in general nauseating everyone with any taste or decorum? George Carlin, who just unfortunately died yesterday, wouldn't believe that his famous "seven dirty words that you couldn't say on TV" are now not only routinely on cable and in the movies, but often spelled out on the backs of someone sitting next to you in the airport, at the theatre, in restaurants, everywhere. And there are still parents who worry about what their kids can access on the Internet? Also, doesn't anyone use a mirror anymore? Can't a friend tell them how bad they look with their often ample middles, bosoms, etc. bared for all to see? This assumes the friend isn't just as gross.

WHEN DID IT HAPPEN that current technology has brought the rude cell phone user (see May 24 post) to a new low? The latest trend seems to be turning on your mute phone in the theatre to read the program in the dark or better yet compose text messages, check your E mails, get the baseball scores and who knows what else. Idea for Hollywood-- a horror movie where a virus (bacterial or electronic) renders all cell phones inactive for say 8 hours. Oh my God--back to the 20th Century!!! That's the horror.

It's obvious to TNB WHEN ALL THIS HAPPENED--when he wasn't looking.

Miscellany

Miscellany or mishmash, hodgepodge, potpourri, olio (great crossword puzzle word), assortment, etc. all mean a jumble of unrelated matters. So why not?

• In the May 17th post, TNB suggested (tongue in cheek as usual) that a McCain/Hillary ticket might happen. Have you noticed how much attention this possibility (???) has received in the media now that Hillary has made her rather ungracious exit? Supposedly, Obama is looking for a military man (Jim Webb, Wesley Clark) as his veep. Considering the battles Hillary has fought, she doesn't qualify? BTW, have you also noticed how many powerful women are known mostly by their first names (Hillary, Oprah, Madonna) while even men with unique first names (Barack) aren't generally referred to this way. Is this some sort of sexism?
• Speaking of sexism, the good news is that the great AMC series Mad Men returns for a second season beginning Sunday, July 27. If you don't know, the brilliantly written and acted series takes place in the early 60's and TNB is old enough to verify that it is bitingly accurate as to the rampant misogyny, smoking, racism and other facets of society that are hard to believe today were taken for granted back then. Not that everything's so perfect in 2008 (see teen drug use, massive credit card debt, America's decline as a world power).
• Since it's been a long time since the last TNB movie reviews, here are two capsule critiques for the price of one. In the interest of all you readers, TNB and Mrs. TNB attended adjoining mall showings of Sex and the City (her) and Adam Sandler's Zohan movie (him). She gave the former a solid 3 stars (great fashion, very graphic--a major change of course from the 60's mentioned above). He (of dubious low taste) roared at the coarse, filthy, rather poorly made Zohan but believes that many of the jokes are way over the heads of the core teenage audience (unbelievably a PG13) it will attract. A grudging 3 stars.
• The recent "annoyances" post has naturally elicited a lot of personal pet peeves which are being stored (!) for a future book (just kidding or am I?). On a point of personal privilege , my new heroine is a clerk at a fast food counter who told Matt Lauer that she refused to accept a taped "I'm sorry " forced by a judge on some idiots who threw a hot drink in her face yelling "fire in the hole" to be later shown on YouTube. In today's world every sort of rude, stupid and aberrant behavior is supposed to be immediately excused by an automatic "I'm sorry"? I'm sorry to say I don't buy that just mouthing those words should make the victims feel better. No punishment of any sort is meted out for any offense. This is NOT an improvement over 1961 (spanking was then acceptable).

What is Normal

Well, the poorly kept secret is out--the word "Normal" in this blog's title doesn't refer (see more below) to the usual, standard, regular, expected mental condition of TNB, but rather to the movie theater pictured (circa 1970) at left. This theater, at the corner of 119th and Normal on Chicago's far South Side, was operated by TNB's parents from 1953 to 1981 and was where TNB learned how to make popcorn, change posters and most important for his prolific literary career write incisive 4 line ads with the correct show times (not a standard practice in those days). Since we're halfway between Mother's Day and Father's Day, it's time to reveal the homage to TNB's parents to which this blog is dedicated.

As far as "normal" is concerned, don't we all believe that we each provide the most accurate measure of just what that word describes? Anybody whose outlook, demeanor, conduct, appearance, etc. varies from ours to any significant degree is thought of as "abnormal", defined generally as undesirably deviating from (naturally) our impression of "normal". Remember the preserved brain marked "abnormal" in the movie "Young Frankenstein" (shown at the Normal Theater in 1971)? After the Doctor's assistant Igor mistook it for a person's name (A. B. Normal) this apparently damaged specimen was inserted in the head of the monster created in the very non-normal lab operated by Dr. Frankenstein. Ultimately, of course, the monster has the last laugh or actually, if you recall, the next to last laugh. If there is a moral (in a Mel Brooks movie?) it's that anybody can be mislabeled as abnormal if they don't exactly conform to our expectations.

BTW (by the way for you non-hip readers) would you say Hillary Clinton's acting "normal" these days (by most standards)? Although last week's post gave 10 to 1 odds that she would magnanimously and modestly agree to be Barack Obama's running mate, nothing of the sort has yet happened. This might be the result of, among other things, Michelle Obama's not wanting Bill Clinton to be sort of "second spouse". Who can blame her, given Bill's extremely "abnormal" behavior during the campaign? This appears to be the new "normal" for him.

Odds and Odd

Since The Normal Blogger is a respected gambler (once a year at the races, the $5 blackjack table on a cruise ship, the NCAA pool) he is naturally qualified to set the odds on the likely occurrence of the following matters of current interest.

Odds that upon the conclusion of the final primary in insignificant South Dakota (it all began in not too important Iowa), Hillary Clinton, having failed to scale Mount Rushmore, will magnanimously and modestly agree to be Barack Obama's running mate. 10 to 1

Odds that the Secret Service will employ a royal taster for any food or drink that might be offered to President Obama by Vice President Clinton (or Bill), especially after Hillary played the "assassination" card. 2 to 1

Odds that anyone will believe anything now written or previously uttered by former Bush press secretary Scott McClellan, the latest example of someone in the public eye having a sudden conscience attack in order to sell a book that nobody reads since all the good parts are revealed in advance. 100 to 1

Odds that in the near future, there will be an all Asian major league infield of Hu, Yu, Wu and Nu (OK, the latter is Yiddish). This is also odd because at a recent game at Wrigley Field, it was announced that "Who's on First". No, not the old Abbott and Costello routine but actually Dodger pinch runner Chin Lung Hu, who is really a shortstop. 20 to 1

Odds that a groom on his honeymoon at the famous resort Days Inn of Merrillville, Indiana will attempt to drown his bride in a hot tub and bite off part of her skin for refusing his amorous advances. Off the Board
No betting on this one, since it actually happened (allegedly). Talk about ODD.

Annoyances

None of these are earth shattering or thank goodness life threatening but maybe you'll recognize some of the daily annoyances facing The Normal Blogger and indeed all of us.

• Rude Cell Phone Users Don't you just love those individuals who insist on carrying on loud, lengthy and often very personal conversations in the most public of places--commuter trains, restaurants, doctors' waiting rooms, etc.? Should you even glance their way while they are so preoccupied, they act as if you're invading their space instead of the opposite. Suggestion--try whistling to distract them.
• Automated Answering Systems What's more frustrating --being placed in "cell hell" (on hold) interminably while being reassured that "your call is important to us" (if it were, a human would be employed to respond) or when someone actually picks up you find that it's the wrong person, they don't have a clue or they're in Bangladesh or all of the above? Suggestion-- leave a slightly profane message and see if someone responds (perhaps the authorities).
• Illiterate E-Mails Ever wonder why otherwise intelligent, educated and civilized people send you E-Mails that are poorly punctuated (if at all), riddled with typos and misspellings and in general look like English is the sender's second language? Apparently, there's such an air of informality associated with computers that anything goes. This of course has led to the younger generation's aptitude with text and instant messages, all written in some kind of code (LOL, BTY) that seems like Latin to TNB. Suggestion-- try sending your E-Mails in code and see if anyone notices. They'll probably think it's just a typo.
• Prices Ending in Nine Does anyone really believe that $4.299 per gallon isn't the same as $4.30? Or that a home listed for $799,999 isn't the same as $800,000? Or that an auto listed at $29,999 isn't being erroneously reported as "under $30,000"? Are we so psyched out by the next higher round amount that we'll be prevented from purchasing the item in question? Hard to imagine. Suggestion-- insist on paying the higher round amount saying "keep the change" (even at the gas station it's only a penny or two). You'll feel a lot better and be proud of yourself. TNB will also be proud of you.
• Medical Commercials Appearing primarily on TV programs generally watched by seniors such as the news (or frequently in the case of Viagra and its colleagues on sporting events) the Federally restrictive advertising of pharmaceutical products has given birth to a whole new genre of commercials. These are generally shot in sort of a gauzy haze with extremely healthy looking actors hawking the latest cure for some disease you've hopefully never heard of but with the most dire side effects imaginable. Most are pretty offensive despite the high production values. Suggestion-- as the commercials instruct you, ask your doctor about all these medications, relevant to you or otherwise. Be prepared however to be charged for the physician's response (or maybe you'll get a sample).

24

Naturally, the number 24 is very significant in our daily lives. The ubiquitous term "24/7" can't be avoided as in "our staff is on call 24/7 to serve you" which often means you can reach a robot or someone in Calcutta whenever you desire. And of course there's the popular Fox series "24" which depicts a different hour of the same day spread out over a 24 week TV season. But TNB has unearthed an even more relevant example of just how important this number is to all of us.

Hard to believe but this coming Tuesday, May 20 will mark the beginning of the last 24 weeks of the presidential campaign. Yes, only 168 more days to be assaulted with campaign rhetoric, TV ads (just wait until October), debates, editorials , etc. Now that it appears (still not certain on the Democratic side) that it will be McCain vs. Obama, attention is turning towards the possible vice presidential choices. The pundits suggest someone to "balance the ticket" (as a CPA in his day job TNB loves for things to be in balance). The VP must be from a different part of the country, be either older or younger than the respective presidential nominees, have appeal to a somewhat different constituency and of course be "qualified" to assume the presidency if need be.

Mike Huckabee had been mentioned as a possibility for the Republicans until he chewed off his toes with a remark to the NRA about maybe someone shooting Obama. We don't need this kind of "humor". So why not, as they say, shouldn't McCain think "out of the box" (a very strange term, if you think about it)? Why not someone who fits the above criteria and has been frequently mentioned as a VP possibility? Yes, Hillary !!! Considering the actuarial tables, she probably has a better chance of fulfilling her destiny as McCain's running mate, rather than Obamas. And speaking of consituencies, she could easily bring along the toothless, obese, racist ("I'd never vote for that darky") vote that she apparently appeals to in Appalachia and perhaps elsewhere.

The Bottom Line

The disturbing economic news of the day has few silver linings. Everyone seems to be hurting, what with gas prices at $4 per gallon and rising food, tuition and other costs at all time highs, depressed housing markets and foreclosures all over the news and (gasp!) even some hedge fund managers and CEO's of certain major companies seeing their often obscene bonuses reduced to merely profane. In addition, there are all the chain store closings and layoffs. Of course, the rebate checks are coming!!!

Since, as most of you know, TNB has spent his pre-literary career in the business world, primarily as an auditor, he feels the compelling need to explain many of the complex, technical and arcane terms regarding business and the economy that might be confusing. Auditors are taught to exercise healthy skepticism in their dealings with clients and others. It's not a stretch for some of you to perceive that the slightly sarcastic attitude of this blog is a result of such "healthy "skepticism having a few medical issues. So, in the spirit of such cynicism (healthy or otherwise) following are several important terms you need to understand:

• We're Going In A Different Direction This isn't, as you might expect, heading to the North Pole when the South Pole was your destination. This generally means "you're fired" (very indirect for say Donald Trump) or we've chosen another supplier, product, location or whatever. Why be direct when a euphemism makes you feel better?
• We've Met Our Targeted Expectations When results are poor, companies often claim that despite regrouping, retrenchment, political upheaval in some obscure foreign country or perhaps global warming, they at least achieved the (extremely modest) amounts that had been predicted. Of course, these excuses can't last too long before the executives of the company in question are asked to go in a different direction.
• We Haven't Seen The Lawsuit Yet When particularly embarrassing litigation or worse yet criminal action has been brought against a company it's always better to delay comments until the "spin doctors" (see post of April 28) can get their act together. Then they'll probably state "we believe this action to be without merit and intend to fight it vigorously", which means that we'll stall indefinitely and hope for a reasonable settlement or for the legal fees to ruin the other side.
• We Are Focused On The Bottom Line This sometimes means simply that a company hopes that its net income (reported on the bottom line of its operating statement) will be well above "targeted expectations" (see above) or conversely its net loss (same bottom line) won't be too unexplainable, even by a spin doctor. Or it may mean that the company's entire criterion for success is such bottom line, even at the risk of say polluting the environment or producing inferior or harmful products. Watch the bottom line, measure it accurately (that's the auditor talking) but don't be obsessed by it.