What 2009 Will Bring

After the incredible year we've all experienced in 2008, it's not surprising that most everyone is looking towards 2009 with apprehension. But not TNB. He will tell you what 2009 will bring--and just possibly at least one prediction will prove correct (a lucky guess, no doubt). So here goes:

1. After a few months of dealing with the Israeli/Palestinian confict, unemployment, the disastrous housing market and Vladimir Putin, Barack Obama will rescind his no smoking pledge and pose shirtless for a Marlboro Light ad.

2. Clarence Thomas will resign from the Supreme Court, thus allowing Barack Obama to pick a liberal African-American from Illinois for that seat. His choice will be either Senator-to-be Roland Burris or former Chicago attorney Michelle Obama.

3. Kate Winslet, after receiving her 6th Oscar nomination (for Revolutionary Road) will finally be named Best Actress and will stun the live (and TV) audience by doing what she has done in many of her films--take off her clothes.

4. While his wife is in Pakistan negotiating with Osama Bin Laden for his surrender (and a book deal) Bill Clinton will be caught on a date with Sarah Palin, the world's coolest grandmother.

5. Sarah's daughter Bristol will turn down the $300,000 she's been offered for pictures of her adorable love child and hire agent Ari Gold from Entourage to represent her. The negotiations will have to wait until Jeremy Piven, who portrays Ari, is released from sushi rehab.

6. Oprah Winfrey will announce the immediate end of her talk show, stating that she's been duped by a lying author one too many times to maintain her self respect. No, Bernard Madoff did not write a book--that was his wife Ruth. Although she's an African-American from Illinois, Oprah will not be considered for the aforementiond Supreme Court vacancy.

7. Rod Blagojevich will surprise everyone by taking off his toupee at his trial, thus throwing the jury into a frenzy.

8. The Chicago Cubs will win the World Series, thus shocking their new owners--the US Treasury.

Can You Believe This

As a young auditor almost a half century ago (!) TNB learned and tried to consistently follow 2 significant rules, which apply not only to his profession but also to the broader business world and life in general:
1. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably isn't
2. Trust, but verify

Perhaps this is why TNB personally and The Normal Blog in particular exhibits a decidedly skeptical, some might say cynical viewpoint. If instead of allowing greed and arrogance to overwhelm common sense, more people were more skeptical and didn't believe everything pitched to them, maybe we wouldn't be reeling from frauds large and small. What to believe? Just check out the following items--hard to tell what is totally true, what might have occurred and what is a stretch of TNB's bizarre imagination:

A. Bernie Madoff's wife, a renowned dietician and author, has a new volume out called "Cooking the Books", including some tasty recipes guaranteed to slim you down (at least your bank account).
B. After apparently making many rich Jews and Jewish charities a lot poorer (or in some cases totally bankrupt) Bernie Madoff broadened his reach, as an equal opportunity swindler, to many foreign investors. An Abu Dhabi hedge fund lost $400 million, thus causing further harm to Israeli-Arab peace prospects. BTW--see above re: "too good to be true", "trust & verify".
C. After disgustingly sneezing into a tissue on Jay Leno's program and then auctioning the tissue on E-Bay for $3,000 (proceeds to charity), actress Scarlet Johannson announced that she will also auction for charity some of her used feminine hygiene products.
D. The shotgun wedding of the decade was indefinitely postponed when Bristol Palin's prospective mother in law was arrested on felony drug charges (Wasilla, Alaska is a known meth center).
E. Quoting liberally from Rudyard Kipling's famous poem "If", Rod Blagojevich surprised most Illinoisans with his sensitive, cultured side.
F. Actor Jeremy Piven ("Entourage")suddenly quit the 3 person Broadway cast of "Speed the Plow" claiming that eating too mush sushi caused greatly elevated levels of mercury. TNB had seen his performance, which incredibly contained more expletives than uttered by Patti Blagojevich when talking about the Cubs and Tribune on the famous wiretaps. "Speed the Plow" playwright David Mamet, a noted softie, exclaimed "I guess Piven's given up show business to become a thermometer" (this is actually true--even TNB couldn't make it up).
G. George W. Bush is seriously considering pardoning imprisoned former governor George Ryan, since he was informed by Federal prison officials that their facilities can only handle one Illinois governor at a time.

Awards Season

As another year end quickly approaches, the inevitable lists of the best of this (and also the worst of that) are appearing on TV, in the newspapers and on the Internet. BTW, early "buzz" for a Best Actor Oscar nomination is for Mickey Rourke (remember him?)in The Wrestler. But generally the winners are pretty predictable. So TNB, in an effort to change the dynamic, hereby announces the first annual AB awards (for AB-NORMAL of course). Following are the categories and nominees. Any reader of The Normal Blog is eligible to vote, even multiple times (after all, you know where TNB is from). Send in your E-Mails or post a comment. Results will be announced in early January 2009 (while W. is still President).

DUMBEST GOVERNOR:
Rod Blagojevich
Sarah Palin
Eliot Spitzer

DUMBEST SENATOR:
Larry Craig
Ted Stevens
Anyone Accepting Appointment to Vacant Illinois Seat

DUMBEST PRESIDENT:
George W. Bush
George W. Bush
George W. Bush

JEWS ARE PROUDEST OF:
Albert Einstein
Sandy Koufax
Barbra Streisand

JEWS ARE MOST ASHAMED OF:
Political Fixer Jack Abramoff
Mobster Meyer Lansky
Alleged $50 Billion Swindler Bernard Madoff (pronounced "made off" as with
all your money --OY)

JEWS BELIEVE HE IS ONE OF THEM BUT HE'S NOT:
Treasury Secretary Designate Tim Geithner
Actor Sean Penn
Barack Obama

WORST JOE:
Joe the Plumber
Joe (Benedict Arnold) Lieberman
Cup of Coffee at Truck Stop

WORST SPORTS FLOP:
Chicago Cubs (playoffs)
New York Yankees (regular season)
Big Brown (last in Belmont after winning 1st 2 legs of horse racing Triple
Crown)


MOST ERUDITE AND SOPHISTICATED POLITICAL BLOG:
Huffington Post
The Swamp
The Normal Blog

It Can Get Worse

After last week's post decrying the selfishness and irresponsibility of many Americans, TNB was hopeful (foolishly) that things couldn't get worse--but they have, as noted below. Next week should be better (if you're the cup half full type).

• Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, whose approval rating last month was measured at 13% (half as much as George W. Bush!) was arrested and indicted on stunning corruption charges including the likelihood that he was attempting to sell Barack Obama's Senate seat to the highest bidder. This after everyone in Illinois (apparently with one exception) knew that the Feds were watching him. Hubris, arrogance or just plain stupidity? Probably all of the above. Before he's impeached or forced to resign, he still can legally appoint the replacement Senator, unless the Illinois law is quickly changed to provide for a special election. Who would want such an appointment tainted by the Blago association? Well, TNB is not terribly busy these days and would be willing to just warm the seat for 2 years. Why not?? If you agree, contact the Governor (with $100 bills in a suitcase).
• The Tribune Company, saddled with incredible debt, was forced to seek bankruptcy protection. We can all breathe easier knowing that the Chicago Cubs were excluded from the filing, thus allowing their potential sale to go through if only some buyer is willing to take on all the absurd player contracts which (whew) are totally protected. We'll sleep better knowing that Kosuke Fukudome will still get his $12 million, although many recently discarded journalists and others may be standing in line for their promised severance. Another vivid example of how our priorities are totally screwed up.
• In a pathetic display of image over substance, the Big Three CEO's each allegedly drove hybrids from Detroit to Washington to impress Congress with their sincerity as they asked for bailout money which compared to say, AIG was a mere pittance. Maybe bankruptcy protection wouldn't be so bad. The airlines do this routinely. At least none of the auto chiefs requested a $10 million bonus from their ailing companies, as did John Thain of Merrill Lynch who was of course turned down. What was that about Rod Blagojevich? Hubris, arrogance and stupidity has also been rampant in the business world, as we have sadly seen this year. As a matter of fact, speaking of the outgoing President...

What's Wrong With Us

In the weeks immediately following the historic election of Barack Obama, many Americans and particularly the media were awash in self congratulations over the strength of the American democratic system, how enlightened we are, how good we now look around the world, etc. etc. All well and good --for a few weeks. But several recent news events should serve to sober us up and remind us that there are plenty of deep seated faults with a large portion of the American people. No political leader, no matter how well intentioned, is going to cure us of:

Excessive Materialism:

Obviously, our economy is built on consumer spending. But we have apparently learned nothing from all the people who got into huge trouble for excessive credit card fueled purchases. How else to explain the madness of Black Friday when retailers open at 4 or 5 AM after bombarding consumers with often bogus offers of large discounts on items that shouldn't be purchased in any event (e.g. large screen TV's, computers and other electronic toys) by the very people standing in line all night. Curiously, Black Friday's name originated in past years when allegedly retailers would now be in the "black" (i.e. profitable) for the year. These days, the day after Thanksgiving is more appropriately Pink Friday (i.e a lighter shade of "red" for the cumulative losses to date). Whether all the hype and discounting will actually make shoppers spend more (than they should) won't be determined until the end of December.

The End Of Civility:

If there were any doubts at just how low many Americans have sunk consider the unfathomable
behavior at a Long Island Wal Mart on the aforementioned Black Friday. Shoppers stormed the doors at 5 AM, trampling a helpless security guard to death and then continuing their relentless pursuit of bargains even as paramedics were attempting to save the man and then becoming enraged when the store closed (thank God, only temporarily). An 8 month pregnant woman was also injured (why was she there--see above). Sociologists have opined that this conduct resulted from a "herd mentality". Isn't that a term for cattle or other animals? This is symptomatic of an overall decline in civility, manners and consideration for others that is too often the standard mode of deportment in today's world.

Hero Worship:

While corporate CEO's have come under fire for outlandish compensation packages, unbelievable sums of money are still being thrown at professional athletes. The worst players in Major League Baseball earn more than most doctors and all teachers, firefighters, police and so forth. Just this past weekend, a grossly overpaid New York Giant named Plaxico Burress got into serious legal trouble and was suspended by his team (without pay!) for accidentally shooting himself with an unlicensed gun. This is yet another in a litany of similar incidents which may have its roots in the "hero worship" and resulant fame and fortune that we bestow on skilled but often stupid and/or venal sports stars (Barry Bonds or Roger Clemens anyone?).


What's Wrong With Us Anyway?