Have You Heard

There's so much news these days, international, national, local, sports, business and entertainment--that it's totally impossible for people to keep up. So as a public service to those of you who have information gaps, TNB hereby presents Have You Heard. For example, have you heard that:

• Sarah Palin has "authored" a controversial new book in which she reveals that she is quietly pursuing an advanced English literature degree at an Ivy League university
• Pope Benedict who recently opened the door for condom use by male prostitutes to combat AIDS has been approached to endorse Trojans (no, not the horses)
• Mel Gibson whose Hollywood career is in limbo and who is involved in a vicious custody suit, is undergoing instructions on conversion to Orthodox Judaism, with the only issue being whether he can get by with just a "ritual nick"
• Meg Whitman, founder of E-Bay, has formed a new company, E-Ocean, to commemorate the destination of the $140 million she spent on a futile effort to become governor of California (why would she want to be?)
• Christine O'Donnell, defeated Delaware senatorial candidate, has recently signed to portray the Wicked Witch of the West in the remake of The Wizard of Oz
• Brett Favre, washed up quarterback whose poor play helped get his coach fired, has decided to capitalize on his recent sexual harrassment scandal by coming out with a new line of men's undershorts complete with a hidden camera for emergencies

If you pass around this info at the Thanksgiving table, please no attribution. TNB meanwhile is facing his first date with the airport body scanners who hopefully won't laugh too loudly.

The Last Ad

Thankfully, the polls have just closed in Illinois and thus the last political ad or commercial has run, at least for awhile. Of course, soon enough the respite will end for those of us in the Chicago area, where a mayoral race is looming to pick a successor, if that's possible, to Richard M. Daley. More on that at a later date.

TNB has been witness to over a half century of political campaigns and rhetoric, having cast his first presidential vote for John F. Kennedy in 1960 (you didn't think he would vote for Richard Nixon, did you?). In that time the campaigns and especially the television commercials (on which $3 billion was spent nationally in the off-year of 2010) have gotten incredibly nasty, demeaning and almost 100% negative.

In an effort to find out what the root causes of this negativity were, TNB tracked down the person most responsible--not Karl Rove or his ilk--but an adman. It turns out that he is Bobby Draper, son of the legendary 1960's ad (or Mad) man, Don Draper. Although when last depicted on TV in 1965, Bobby was sort of a bratty child and sibling to unhappy sister Sally, over the years having learned the business from his creative master father (when sober), Bobby has developed into the unquestioned star of the negative political world. He is now head of the renowned mudslinging agency--Falsehood, Obfuscation and Smear or FOS for short.

Because TNB was loosely acquainted with the folks at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce (never missed an episode) Bobby consented to a rare interview , excerpts of which follow (the full transcript can be found on TNB's Facebook and Twitter accounts if you can locate them --he can't).
TNB: Why is it that no matter how nasty the charges leveled at a politician, he or she never replies but only levels equally nasty charges at the opponent?
BD: Since most of the charges are unfortunately at least partially valid, we never allow our clients to reply truthfully (check out the name of our agency).

TNB: Does it matter that vicious ads are often based on some obscure comment the opponent made when strung out on marijuana as a college sophomore 30 years ago?
BD: This is what we call a two-fer--a dumb comment coupled with criminal activity.

TNB: How stupid is the average American to believe all of the FOS ads?
BD: Why do you think my income equalled that of LeBron James last year--my Dad would be so proud!

TNB should have paid more attention to Bobby--instead of ogling the zaftig office manager Joanie.