Can You Believe

Can you believe that:

• The "patients" depicted in medical commercials, usually suffering from bladder control issues, elevated cholesterol, osteoporosis and other maladies, all make such remarkable recoveries after using the sponsor's product (of course first asking their doctors) that they are invariably shown romping on mountain hikes, riding horses and swimming the English Channel (OK, not the last one). If that strains your credulity, how about TNB's current favorite-- a middle aged hunk taking Viagra and then riding a motorcycle to the inevitable rendezvous with a very willing partner? Wasn't this drug originally aimed at say a more mature user?
• The so called (self anointed) fashion mavens are aghast that First Lady Michelle Obama was photographed wearing (gasp!) shorts on a beach. Oh, for the good old days--when formality reigned in the White House, as exemplified by Richard (I Am Not A Crook) Nixon being photographed on the beach at San Clemente wearing a suit and tie. This was one classy gentleman.
• Kansas Congresswoman Lynn Jenkins who, before gagging on the foot she inserted in her mouth, called for her fellow Republicans to find some Great White Hope to defeat you-know-who in 2012. That slogan was used a century ago in regard to potential opponents of black heavyweight champion Jack Johnson. We have certainly made great strides in this country since then.
• John Mackey, CEO of organic nutrition supermarket chain Whole Foods, seemed to imply, in an OpEd piece he wrote, that only the rich (like guess who) really deserved full health care and the rest of us should just stay healthy, supposedly by only patronizing his stores. No death panels for him!
• There is such a scarcity of qualified guests for TV talk shows that Illinois Mr. and Ms. Scuzz (a/k/a Rod and Patti Blagojevich) are appearing on The View. Of course, until he was incarcerated, the Today Show regularly featured Drew Peterson. Next up--Bernie Madoff on 60 Minutes?

All this proves, of course, is that anything is believable because as someone more profound than TNB said--you can't make this up.

The Dog Days of Summer

The period between roughly early July and late August has historically been known as "the dog days of summer". One explanation for this term is that the so called "dog stars" (Canis Major and Canis Minor) are then most closely aligned with the sun, thus supposedly contributing to the usual (but not always) sultry weather during such dog days. A more specific definition is that the dog days represent a period of stagnation and inactivity, sometimes accompanied by a frightening wilting of the brain. Consider the following recent occurrences:

• Hillary Clinton, in dire need of some fresh makeup and a hair stylist, nastily answered a question from a Kenyan student by stating that she not Bill was Secretary of State (this after an apparent translation error). She was apparently wilting due to the extreme dog days in Africa.
• Former Republican congressional leader and attack dog (sorry) Tom DeLay has achieved a place on Dancing With The Stars (no, not Canis Major). DeLay's judgment, never admirable, has apparently wilted under the hot Texas sun.
• Millionaire Chicago Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano lamely explained that he wasn't improving after recent back problems because (despite his gargantuan and undeserved salary) he was too lazy to comply with his prescribed exercise regimen. In fairness, the dog days for Zambrano's brain seem to be all year long.
• Speaking of the Cubs, once again the August dog days are being blamed for another monumental collapse although Chicago's summer has been unusually cool and the Perpetual Losers play many more night games these days. Perhaps a hex has been placed on them not by the famous goat but by Canis Minor.
• Previously obscure Sheryl Weinstein, perhaps best known for loudly portraying to TV cameras (outside the court where he was sentenced) that she and her family were victims ruined by Bernie Madoff, announced that she had written a memoir disclosing that while she was chief financial officer of the charitable organization Hadassah (which lost millions by investing with Madoff) she had an affair with Bernie. This story is only of mild interest because there's so little real news during the dog days.

Just Say No

In the perhaps somewhat more civilized Great Britain, the political party or parties out of power at least used to be known as the loyal opposition. Here in the United States, this concept never really took root, but especially ever since Barack Obama became the first foreign born President (oops), the opposition has become in the immortal words of the immortal Spiro Agnew, "nattering nabobs of negativism". In fact, one could say they are exponents of the famous (and futile) Nancy Reagan anti-drug message ---Just Say No. Nancy, of course, is supporting the President (understandably) on his stem cell research initiatives (Just Say Yes) thus angering many in the party which constantly holds up her husband as their ultimate hero.

But there are many other daily opportunities for the disloyal opposition (fueled by Fox News and of course the Internet) to Just Say No. Consider:

• The wildly popular Cash for Clunkers program has been derided by many in the GOP despite real evidence that it is providing some significant stimulus (especially to the beleaguered auto industry) and also is ridding the country of hundreds of thousands of gas guzzling, polluting clunkers. But why approve of something that works (especially when the entire Republican strategy is for Obama to fail, along apparently with the the entire nation)? Snide remarks such as "what's next, cash for chickens?" are more examples of the Just Say No syndrome. Where were these people when their friends in the financial industries were being bailed out last fall, which was not necessarily a bad thing either. But that program was pushed by one of their own, not this radical socialist now in power.
• What reasonable American could find fault with Bill Clinton's North Korea mission to free the two imprisoned journalists (and perhaps offer a tiny diplomatic opening to that isolated and worrisome country)? How about some unreasonable members of the Just Say No crowd who are frantically worrying about what we had to give Kim Jong Il in return? Perhaps Bill arranged a date with the Secretary of State. Hey, nothing's too preposterous for the naysayers to worry about.
• Don't even get TNB started on the some of the absurd arguments against any and all parts of the Obama health care plan, which of course is far from perfect. But come on--some of the speeches given and charts exhibited in Congress explain exactly why Americans hold most members of that body in such low esteem, slightly above steroid using millionaire athletes.

In both 2010 and 2012, there will be ample chances for the U.S. voters to Just Say No to these clowns and their ilk.