What 2009 Will Bring

After the incredible year we've all experienced in 2008, it's not surprising that most everyone is looking towards 2009 with apprehension. But not TNB. He will tell you what 2009 will bring--and just possibly at least one prediction will prove correct (a lucky guess, no doubt). So here goes:

1. After a few months of dealing with the Israeli/Palestinian confict, unemployment, the disastrous housing market and Vladimir Putin, Barack Obama will rescind his no smoking pledge and pose shirtless for a Marlboro Light ad.

2. Clarence Thomas will resign from the Supreme Court, thus allowing Barack Obama to pick a liberal African-American from Illinois for that seat. His choice will be either Senator-to-be Roland Burris or former Chicago attorney Michelle Obama.

3. Kate Winslet, after receiving her 6th Oscar nomination (for Revolutionary Road) will finally be named Best Actress and will stun the live (and TV) audience by doing what she has done in many of her films--take off her clothes.

4. While his wife is in Pakistan negotiating with Osama Bin Laden for his surrender (and a book deal) Bill Clinton will be caught on a date with Sarah Palin, the world's coolest grandmother.

5. Sarah's daughter Bristol will turn down the $300,000 she's been offered for pictures of her adorable love child and hire agent Ari Gold from Entourage to represent her. The negotiations will have to wait until Jeremy Piven, who portrays Ari, is released from sushi rehab.

6. Oprah Winfrey will announce the immediate end of her talk show, stating that she's been duped by a lying author one too many times to maintain her self respect. No, Bernard Madoff did not write a book--that was his wife Ruth. Although she's an African-American from Illinois, Oprah will not be considered for the aforementiond Supreme Court vacancy.

7. Rod Blagojevich will surprise everyone by taking off his toupee at his trial, thus throwing the jury into a frenzy.

8. The Chicago Cubs will win the World Series, thus shocking their new owners--the US Treasury.

Can You Believe This

As a young auditor almost a half century ago (!) TNB learned and tried to consistently follow 2 significant rules, which apply not only to his profession but also to the broader business world and life in general:
1. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably isn't
2. Trust, but verify

Perhaps this is why TNB personally and The Normal Blog in particular exhibits a decidedly skeptical, some might say cynical viewpoint. If instead of allowing greed and arrogance to overwhelm common sense, more people were more skeptical and didn't believe everything pitched to them, maybe we wouldn't be reeling from frauds large and small. What to believe? Just check out the following items--hard to tell what is totally true, what might have occurred and what is a stretch of TNB's bizarre imagination:

A. Bernie Madoff's wife, a renowned dietician and author, has a new volume out called "Cooking the Books", including some tasty recipes guaranteed to slim you down (at least your bank account).
B. After apparently making many rich Jews and Jewish charities a lot poorer (or in some cases totally bankrupt) Bernie Madoff broadened his reach, as an equal opportunity swindler, to many foreign investors. An Abu Dhabi hedge fund lost $400 million, thus causing further harm to Israeli-Arab peace prospects. BTW--see above re: "too good to be true", "trust & verify".
C. After disgustingly sneezing into a tissue on Jay Leno's program and then auctioning the tissue on E-Bay for $3,000 (proceeds to charity), actress Scarlet Johannson announced that she will also auction for charity some of her used feminine hygiene products.
D. The shotgun wedding of the decade was indefinitely postponed when Bristol Palin's prospective mother in law was arrested on felony drug charges (Wasilla, Alaska is a known meth center).
E. Quoting liberally from Rudyard Kipling's famous poem "If", Rod Blagojevich surprised most Illinoisans with his sensitive, cultured side.
F. Actor Jeremy Piven ("Entourage")suddenly quit the 3 person Broadway cast of "Speed the Plow" claiming that eating too mush sushi caused greatly elevated levels of mercury. TNB had seen his performance, which incredibly contained more expletives than uttered by Patti Blagojevich when talking about the Cubs and Tribune on the famous wiretaps. "Speed the Plow" playwright David Mamet, a noted softie, exclaimed "I guess Piven's given up show business to become a thermometer" (this is actually true--even TNB couldn't make it up).
G. George W. Bush is seriously considering pardoning imprisoned former governor George Ryan, since he was informed by Federal prison officials that their facilities can only handle one Illinois governor at a time.

Awards Season

As another year end quickly approaches, the inevitable lists of the best of this (and also the worst of that) are appearing on TV, in the newspapers and on the Internet. BTW, early "buzz" for a Best Actor Oscar nomination is for Mickey Rourke (remember him?)in The Wrestler. But generally the winners are pretty predictable. So TNB, in an effort to change the dynamic, hereby announces the first annual AB awards (for AB-NORMAL of course). Following are the categories and nominees. Any reader of The Normal Blog is eligible to vote, even multiple times (after all, you know where TNB is from). Send in your E-Mails or post a comment. Results will be announced in early January 2009 (while W. is still President).

DUMBEST GOVERNOR:
Rod Blagojevich
Sarah Palin
Eliot Spitzer

DUMBEST SENATOR:
Larry Craig
Ted Stevens
Anyone Accepting Appointment to Vacant Illinois Seat

DUMBEST PRESIDENT:
George W. Bush
George W. Bush
George W. Bush

JEWS ARE PROUDEST OF:
Albert Einstein
Sandy Koufax
Barbra Streisand

JEWS ARE MOST ASHAMED OF:
Political Fixer Jack Abramoff
Mobster Meyer Lansky
Alleged $50 Billion Swindler Bernard Madoff (pronounced "made off" as with
all your money --OY)

JEWS BELIEVE HE IS ONE OF THEM BUT HE'S NOT:
Treasury Secretary Designate Tim Geithner
Actor Sean Penn
Barack Obama

WORST JOE:
Joe the Plumber
Joe (Benedict Arnold) Lieberman
Cup of Coffee at Truck Stop

WORST SPORTS FLOP:
Chicago Cubs (playoffs)
New York Yankees (regular season)
Big Brown (last in Belmont after winning 1st 2 legs of horse racing Triple
Crown)


MOST ERUDITE AND SOPHISTICATED POLITICAL BLOG:
Huffington Post
The Swamp
The Normal Blog

It Can Get Worse

After last week's post decrying the selfishness and irresponsibility of many Americans, TNB was hopeful (foolishly) that things couldn't get worse--but they have, as noted below. Next week should be better (if you're the cup half full type).

• Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, whose approval rating last month was measured at 13% (half as much as George W. Bush!) was arrested and indicted on stunning corruption charges including the likelihood that he was attempting to sell Barack Obama's Senate seat to the highest bidder. This after everyone in Illinois (apparently with one exception) knew that the Feds were watching him. Hubris, arrogance or just plain stupidity? Probably all of the above. Before he's impeached or forced to resign, he still can legally appoint the replacement Senator, unless the Illinois law is quickly changed to provide for a special election. Who would want such an appointment tainted by the Blago association? Well, TNB is not terribly busy these days and would be willing to just warm the seat for 2 years. Why not?? If you agree, contact the Governor (with $100 bills in a suitcase).
• The Tribune Company, saddled with incredible debt, was forced to seek bankruptcy protection. We can all breathe easier knowing that the Chicago Cubs were excluded from the filing, thus allowing their potential sale to go through if only some buyer is willing to take on all the absurd player contracts which (whew) are totally protected. We'll sleep better knowing that Kosuke Fukudome will still get his $12 million, although many recently discarded journalists and others may be standing in line for their promised severance. Another vivid example of how our priorities are totally screwed up.
• In a pathetic display of image over substance, the Big Three CEO's each allegedly drove hybrids from Detroit to Washington to impress Congress with their sincerity as they asked for bailout money which compared to say, AIG was a mere pittance. Maybe bankruptcy protection wouldn't be so bad. The airlines do this routinely. At least none of the auto chiefs requested a $10 million bonus from their ailing companies, as did John Thain of Merrill Lynch who was of course turned down. What was that about Rod Blagojevich? Hubris, arrogance and stupidity has also been rampant in the business world, as we have sadly seen this year. As a matter of fact, speaking of the outgoing President...

What's Wrong With Us

In the weeks immediately following the historic election of Barack Obama, many Americans and particularly the media were awash in self congratulations over the strength of the American democratic system, how enlightened we are, how good we now look around the world, etc. etc. All well and good --for a few weeks. But several recent news events should serve to sober us up and remind us that there are plenty of deep seated faults with a large portion of the American people. No political leader, no matter how well intentioned, is going to cure us of:

Excessive Materialism:

Obviously, our economy is built on consumer spending. But we have apparently learned nothing from all the people who got into huge trouble for excessive credit card fueled purchases. How else to explain the madness of Black Friday when retailers open at 4 or 5 AM after bombarding consumers with often bogus offers of large discounts on items that shouldn't be purchased in any event (e.g. large screen TV's, computers and other electronic toys) by the very people standing in line all night. Curiously, Black Friday's name originated in past years when allegedly retailers would now be in the "black" (i.e. profitable) for the year. These days, the day after Thanksgiving is more appropriately Pink Friday (i.e a lighter shade of "red" for the cumulative losses to date). Whether all the hype and discounting will actually make shoppers spend more (than they should) won't be determined until the end of December.

The End Of Civility:

If there were any doubts at just how low many Americans have sunk consider the unfathomable
behavior at a Long Island Wal Mart on the aforementioned Black Friday. Shoppers stormed the doors at 5 AM, trampling a helpless security guard to death and then continuing their relentless pursuit of bargains even as paramedics were attempting to save the man and then becoming enraged when the store closed (thank God, only temporarily). An 8 month pregnant woman was also injured (why was she there--see above). Sociologists have opined that this conduct resulted from a "herd mentality". Isn't that a term for cattle or other animals? This is symptomatic of an overall decline in civility, manners and consideration for others that is too often the standard mode of deportment in today's world.

Hero Worship:

While corporate CEO's have come under fire for outlandish compensation packages, unbelievable sums of money are still being thrown at professional athletes. The worst players in Major League Baseball earn more than most doctors and all teachers, firefighters, police and so forth. Just this past weekend, a grossly overpaid New York Giant named Plaxico Burress got into serious legal trouble and was suspended by his team (without pay!) for accidentally shooting himself with an unlicensed gun. This is yet another in a litany of similar incidents which may have its roots in the "hero worship" and resulant fame and fortune that we bestow on skilled but often stupid and/or venal sports stars (Barry Bonds or Roger Clemens anyone?).


What's Wrong With Us Anyway?

Transition

These days we're all undergoing some sort of transition. It might be political or economic or both.

Political

As we are constantly reminded, the Federal government is (thankfully) transitioning from the ineptitude of George W. Bush & Co. to at least a hopeful alternative. Barack Obama has appeared very presidential and conciliatory--witness his meetings with John McCain and Hillary Clinton, both of whom called him some nasty names, but that's politics. There are so many lies spoken during a campaign that it's a wonder everyone's pants aren't on fire. Hillary might even be Secretary of State with the big question being--will Bill disclose enough of his finances to ensure that she's on the road (way out of town) most of the time? Speaking of hypocritical liars, the President- elect even magnanimously forgave Joe (the traitor) Lieberman. Certainly this wasn't pandering for the Jewish vote, which ignored Joe anyway. Although we're still 2 months from inauguration, some Republicans are already positioning themselves for 2012, such as Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee and yes, Sarah Palin, whose much ballyhooed $40 billion gas pipeline is on indefinite delay. Her pants would be on fire if they hadn't been returned to the GOP National Committee.

Economic

With only a few exceptions (e.g., overpaid professional athletes) the current economic crisis is affecting, more or less, just about everyone. Even reasonably affluent people who no longer have college tuition, etc. to worry about are tightening their belts due to the shrinkage in investments and thus are effectively transitioning their lifestyles--downward. Worse, job prospects for many are non-existent. Most upsetting to TNB is the likelihood that many students in a country already behind some others in educating future scientists and the like will have their college plans seriously curtailed. A possible cause of high college tuitions (which regularly have risen far more rapidly than the cost of living) is the astronomical amount, upwards of $1 million in some cases, paid to certain college presidents. Of course, they don't get stock options (remember them?) like much maligned corporate CEO's but to suggest that maybe they're not worth their inflated compensation is almost as heretical as saying that football coaches aren't worth their pay either.

Perhaps the biggest transition has been for people to seek another form of daily entertainment outside of election and campaign coverage, which we've been watching now for almost 2 years. TNB's advice, which he is having trouble following is--get a life!

Scattered Thoughts

TNB is finding it difficult to completely drop politics from his thought process He does usually focus and everything written here isn't just a scattered thought, although it may seem that way. For instance:

• It's not to soon to start planning for the 2016 elections. The nominating conventions will begin soon after President Obama opens the Chicago Olympics. Joe Biden will be nearing 72 and that age has not been attractive to the electorate as we've just seen. Plus, his hair plugs and gleaming teeth could be falling out. There might be a opportunity for someone special to lead Republicans out of the wilderness and since African-Americans have broken the presidential barrier, why not a female Governor of a remote state outside the Continental US? No, not her but rather Gov. Linda Lingle of Hawaii , who would also be the first Jewish president (you were expecting Rahm Emanuel?). She's reputed to be a close friend of the future hostess of the reality show Shotgun Weddin' so her slogan could be "I'm just pallin' around with Sarah".
• Now that thankfully there are no longer any political commercials, the programs appealing to seniors (e.g. the news) are once again full of pitches for new drugs. It's hard to believe that anyone would even ask their doctor to prescribe these frightening potions with their vast array of side effects (even including, honestly, possibly causing cancer!). Viewers might be misled, of course, by the healthy glow of the "patients" portrayed in these ads, who supposedly suffer from all sorts of debilitating or embarrassing conditions such as osteoporosis, incontinence, flatulence, hemorrhoids and baldness in addition to several unmentionable ones (at least by TNB). Why is such "direct to patient" advertising allowed if the required disclaimers are so counterproductive?
• Although it was apparent that most TV comedians and other humorists wanted Barack Obama to win, many are now having second thoughts. The new administration doesn't look like it will present as many opportunities for humor. Really, George W. Bush should receive royalties for 8 years of providing a perfect target to lampoon. And while Joe Biden might come down with an advanced case of "hoof in mouth" disease, he certainly is no Dick Cheney. And of course, who can ever replace Sarah Palin whose every utterance was turned into a comical interlude? When we didn't have an election going on (was there ever such a time?) what did Jon Stewart, Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Stephen Colbert, David Letterman et al talk about? Vladimir Putin, Osama Bin Laden, Hugo Chavez and Pope Benedict don't exactly provide a barrel of laughs. Nor does the economy, the new television season or the Cubs.

The Real Losers

President-Elect Barack Obama (takes some getting used to, doesn't it?) and the Democratic Party deserve congratulations and admiration for their stunning victory. But it is still necessary to reflect, perhaps one last time, on the real losers in this campaign.

John McCain His performance on SNL and his gracious concession speech served as a reminder of the McCain so many Americans respected (justifiably) until he got caught up in some problems of his own making (see below) and some that were not (see below). TNB would not be surprised if sooner or later the old McCain surfaced again and made positive contributions to helping solve our national dilemmas.

Sarah Palin With lightning speed even in this high tech Internet, YouTube age, the previously obscure Alaska governor burst on the scene, effectively polarizing the populace and becoming for many an object of ridicule. It's incredible that some are seriously mentioning her as a future national GOP leader (although she could appoint herself Senator once Ted Stevens, amazingly re-elected by Alaskans, is thrown out of the Senate due to his felony conviction). TNB believes that her persona can be best used as hostess of a FoxNews show entitled "You Betcha". Don't laugh-- there are stranger personalities hosting live TV shows.

Politics of Fear Despite unbelievable smear campaigns aimed at portraying Obama as a Muslim terrorist, etc. the negativity (almost the entire McCain strategy) was not bought into by the majority of the American public. A little noticed low point occurred on Election Day afternoon(!) when the McCain/Palin campaign produced robocalls to South Florida's Cuban-American community falsely (natch!) claiming that Fidel Castro had just endorsed Obama. Ever wonder what all these liars, charlatans and con artists do between elections?

Myths The Bradley effect (lying to pollsters about voting for minority candidates) is apparently behind us. So is the notion that retired Jews in Florida can't be trusted to vote Democratic. Well, maybe they can't--witness the "success" of The Great Schlep where thousands (OK, dozens) of young Jews paid a special visit to Boca to persuade thair grandparents that Obama was not threatening and wouldn't turn over Israel to the Iranians.

Joe Although Joe Biden, despite his gaffes, proved to be a credible VP candidate, three other Joes are on the ash heap. Of course, there's Joe Lieberman, who thought a McCain victory would elevate him to the Supreme Court (right--he's pro-choice!) but now faces wrath and isolation in the Senate--say it ain't so, Joe! Then there's the 15 minutes of fame wonder Joe the Plumber whose over $250,000 net income (once he gets a plumber's license) will be subject to higher taxes! Finally Joe Sixpack, who is no doubt drowning his sorrows by drinking at least a dozen bottles. Hopefully he won't then drive his pickup truck.

W. George W. Bush is really the biggest loser. Snubbed at his own party's convention (thanks Hurricane Gustav) and avoided by GOP candidates like he had leprosy, the President's failed administration became an albatross that Republicans could not overcome. Although determined not to repeat his father's mistakes (see the surprisingly sympathetic Oliver Stone movie of the same initial), Bush 43 like Bush 41 squandered high approval ratings that resulted from goodwill over crises (first Gulf War, 9/11) that the public perceived were well managed.

Time now to take a breath and concentrate on Thanksgiving, football and whether there will be a Christmas shopping season this year.

Enough Already

One reason TNB (along with Mrs. TNB) has already voted is so he won't feel "guilty" totally ignoring the glut of political ads, robocalls, flyers, Emails, etc. that make this last week of the campaign so unpleasant. In short, he has had ENOUGH ALREADY.

For that matter, who hasn't? How is it possible to have many voters change their minds at this late date simply because of the most recent negative commercial or sound bite? Most of the major talking points have been used so often that they mean nothing anymore. What new revelation would sway the "undecideds"? TNB knows people on both sides, but all have made up their minds--unless something startling were to occur, say John McCain, who stated at the second debate that he knew how to find Osama Bin Laden (and didn't tell Gen. Petraeus or anyone), actually capturing the Evil One (he has traveled to Waziristan) and depositing him at the Pentagon this weekend. Or Sarah Palin, who is now wearing Real American clothes from a consignment store in Anchorage, suddenly revealing that she is a closet PhD who has successfully hidden her intellect in order to impress Alaskan moose hunters. Or maybe Barack Obama finally revealing that, as suspected by many, he is the direct descendant of Mohammed and has made 22 pilgrimages to Mecca.

Short of these farfetched scenarios, what else does the electorate need to know? Instead of paying close attention to the candidates and their mind numbing surrogates ("there's Northern Virginia and there's the real Virginia") why not turn somewhere else for another ENOUGH ALREADY moment? That would be the financial world, with its wild gyrations and uncertainties. To get you up to speed and eliminate all your fears, why not watch a panel of 6 or 8 "experts" on CNBC pontificating in a manner worthy of the best political spinners? They're like weather forecasters (but less accurate) in that their predictions are never brought up later when they don't materialize (like the projected storm that didn't happen but ruined your plans).

TNB has had ENOUGH ALREADY and as soon as November 4 is over he is planning to a) watch the end of the World Series, assuming it stops snowing in Philly, b) watch (and report on) all the movies with early Oscar "buzz" as cooked up by their publicists and c) once again deliver his pithy commentaries on the Human Condition.

Questions and Answers

A number of questions have been asked of TNB recently--sometimes by readers and sometimes just by him. Following are a sampling of such questions along with answers in italics.

• Was there really an earthquake in the cemetery where Col. McCormick is buried when his Chicago Tribune endorsed Barack Obama, first Democrat ever? No, that rumbling occurred when jeans wearing Sam Zell took over his office.
• Is Sarah Palin really angling to be a TV star, especially with her new $150,000 wardrobe paid for by the Republican National Committee? Yes, look for her to show up sooner or later on FoxNews. She is far more charming and no more ignorant than most of their present commentators.
• Why do very few political ads (TV, print media, flyers, etc) indicate which party the candidate, whether for national or local office, belongs to? The obsession with attracting independent or "swing" voters has overwhelmed party identification. True believers know anyway; others may be shocked to see the name of the political party next to the candidate's name on the ballot.
• Was the last plane leaving for the Dominican Republic when Alfonso Soriano (to whom the Cubs still owe about $100 million) flailed helplessly at the last pitch of the pitiful Dodgers playoff series? Yes, he and some other overpriced players were concerned that Washington politicians would really "spread the wealth" by somehow voiding their contracts like the effort to rein in excessive CEO pay. Talk about excessive!
• Will John McCain, he of the "no earmarks/freeze on spending" platform, lend his support to GOP Senator Mitch McConnell, the Senate minority leader, who in his tough Kentucky reelection campaign, has openly boasted about how much "pork" he has brought to his State? No, although Kentucky is a reliable red state, McConnell and indeed many Republicans running for election have kept their distance from McCain, as if he were (gasp) the dreaded George W.
• When mercifully the long campaign finally ends on November 4, will The Normal Blog cease to publish? Of course not--TNB will go back to reviewing movies and commenting on a host of social issues like the rudeness of people, the selfishness of people and many more significant matters you've been waiting to read about.

Pride and Prejudice

Certainly most members of minorities would take great pride in having one of their own nominated for high office. So, no great surprise that it is expected that perhaps 95% or more of African Americans will be voting for Barack Obama. Maybe TNB shouldn't be as surprised as he is (actually dismayed) that in 2008 there is still so much prejudice existing in the electorate that no apparent lead in the polls seems adequate. There's the so called Bradley effect named after former LA Mayor Tom Bradley whose 1980 lead in the polls for California governor totally disappeared on Election Day as numerous people who had given the pollsters the "politically correct" response went and voted their prejudices in the voting booth. This was not an isolated case (see Douglas Wilder in Virginia, Harold Ford in Tennessee, etc.).

What is really appalling to TNB is how much of this prejudice is coming from some members of the Jewish community. Jews have long taken a sometimes unjustifiable pride in accomplishments of fellow Jews whether they be in entertainment, science, sports or whatever (while also being overly embarrassed about misdeeds committed by Jews). Even moderate criticisms of Jewish accomplishments are often countered with charges of anti-semitic prejudice, even where none exists. If (OMG) Joe Lieberman was running for President and received the usual political negative comments, imagine how wounded Jewish pride would be--oh, how could such prejudice exist??

How then to rationally explain the overt antipathy that some Jews apparently have to voting for a "schvartze" (a black man)? There are, of course, the bogus claims that Obama's a Muslim, is anti-Israel, etc. But honestly (like the Bradley effect) a lot of this is simply the color of the man's skin. TNB personally knows or knows of Jews (primarily but not solely of TNB's older generation) who admit that this is the sole reason for their anti-Obama feeling. Few of these people extol the virtues of John McCain or Sarah Palin and would be the first to recoil if the same thinking were applied to Jews running for office.

The so called "Great Schlep" campaign being pushed by Sarah Silverman and others (visit your Jewish grandparents in Florida to persuade them to vote for Obama) has been good for a few laughs and as a cultural commentary but when some of the real life interviews are played, it doesn't take long to sense that this is the only issue for far too many Jews.

OY

Just Wonderin'

TNB is resuming his blog a few days earlier than announced (hey, campaigns are sometimes resumed before financial crises are solved) partially to add a few more sins for which to atone.

Probably you haven't been so perplexed, but lately TNB has been just wonderin' (not a typo--wondering is no longer an acceptable spellin' or pronounciation) about the followin':

• Maybe the Cubs tanked to allow TNB to devote his energies to seein' that Josephine Sixpack is promptly returned to the Arctic--permanently.
• Maybe the slogan "Wait Til Next Year" could be banned. Repeat ten times--"Next Year Will Never Come". You'll feel better.
• Maybe Lou Piniella was right when he allegedly told two of his overpriced "stars" (Alfonso Soriano and Aramis Ramirez) that they lacked "cojones".
• Maybe the best pair of cojones currently on display belongs to Ms. Trailer Park Trash who recently riled up a redneck Florida crowd against Obama to the extent that one man in the crowd yelled out "kill him" and others hassled an African-American TV crew member (whose sin was obviously his color). These are Wasilla middle class values? She's fit to be Vice President??
• Maybe the World's Greatest Hockey Mom needs to visit an eye doctor to check on that annoyin' winkin'. BTW --just wonderin' about all the other Moms (soccer, ballet, orchestra), some of whom might be actually doin' this work daily. Sister Sarah's oldest hasn't needed a driver for several years, her #2 is likely not playin' hockey these days while registerin' for her weddin' and so on. Just who is she drivin' to hockey practice (if anyone is behind the wheel, it's her dude or maybe now the Secret Service)? It's time to retire the slogan which is just so much BS, like everything else about her.
• Maybe at the next debate, John McCain will mention her instead of (about 4 times) his house Jew, Joe Lieberman. While Joe's in Temple (he needs some serious atonement) what will the Last Angry Man do for advice? Certainly he won't ask The Least Angry Man whom he condescendingly referred to as "that one" during last night's "debate". Poor John--having to share the limelight with someone "not like us" (not difficult to excite certain elements of the electorate, is it?). And if he says "my friends" one more time? OMG.
• Maybe George W. after hearin' the GOP ticket bash him relentlessly, will endorse "That One". That would probably be the Kiss of Death (see above) and just the type of October surprise that the Democrats fear.

Obviously, our ancestors were wise in their knowledge that sins would always be available for atonement.

Atonement

The Normal Blogger hereby announces that he is suspending his blog--no, not until the bailout (is that the same as out on bail?) is finalized, but until the Jewish High Holidays end on October 9. This way, TNB can concentrate on 2 critical matters--(1) the Cubs first round NL playoff series and (2) far more importantly so that he can properly use the Days of Awe to atone (as all Jews must do on Yom Kippur) for his many sins of commission and omission, perpetrated both on his blog and in everyday thoughts. Such atonement is especially relevant considering all of the following who TNB has wronged:

• Sarah Palin TNB has implied or expressly stated that The Immaterial Girl is stupid. Actually, he needs to apologize to stupid people for putting her up in their category. She deserves one of her own (Putin is going to fly over Alaska's airspace?). Perhaps she'll quit before the VP debate and return to Wasilla to prepare to be a mother-in-law and grandmother, not necessarily in that order (more atonement needed from TNB).
• John McCain TNB needs to atone for even thinking that parachuting into the "financial rescue" negotiations was another cheap political stunt (see: Sarah Palin) that was doomed to backfire since all he was able to accomplish was to stir up House Republicans. What a leader! And what's with the condescending sneer and refusal to address Obama by his first name (Barack and Track are pretty close) or even look at him during the debate? Mean Johnny M. is giving us 72 year olds a bad name (oops--more atonement needed).
• George Bush After all the (deserved) criticism leveled at W. by TNB and a multitude of others, it's actually pathetic to see that Democrats, whom he always treated with contempt, may be the saviors of his bailout plan. You have to feel sorry for him (but TNB really doesn't). He just wants to go home to Crawford and he still has to try to pretend that he knows what's up (OK--yet more atonement).
• Naomi Ragen The vicious far right Israeli author announced to her large E-Mail audience this week that American Jews who vote for Obama will be responsible when Israel is nuked off the map, presumably by Iran for which of course Barack is some secret agent. She didn't exactly say that, but she sure has come close and needs more atonement than even TNB!

Maybe TNB should just concentrate on the Cubs. Amazingly, they're less stressful than the political campaign.

The Internet and Elections

Although not a new phenomenon, the Internet is proving to be a major factor in this year's Presidential elections. The explosion of E-Mails (many negative and vicious) is probably a result of both the rise of blogging and the polarization of the electorate. When have there ever been two more polarizing candidates than Barack Obama and SnowJobSquareGlasses? Of course, they're not even running against each other directly but that hasn't reduced the venom. Actually, the volume and intensity of E-Mails has produced both good and bad effects.

GOOD Heretofore highly respected, well known individuals have been exposed for their extreme views (no secrets or privacy on the Internet even including The Normal Blog). For example, Jackie Mason, sort of an icon among many older Jews for his benign social comments (where Jews will sit in restaurants), has a YouTube video full of disgusting anti-Obama lies and smears. Tell your friends. Send this ordained Rabbi (shameful) into oblivion.

Even worse, well known far right American/Israeli author Naomi Ragen produces a blog (www.naomiragen.blogspot.com) containing incredible trash talk depicting Obama as about the next worst person on earth to Bin Laden (he actually knows Mayor Daley's brother Bill, former Commerce Secretary!!!)and of course portraying Palin as about the most admirable woman since Esther (this from a highly educated woman--scary). Naomi doesn't brook dissent--she refused to post 2 of TNB's comments and severely criticized a negative comment she received by E-Mail as a threat and intimidation. This isn't a threat--just a suggestion that everyone stop buying her books.

BAD For the first time in TNB's memory, long standing friendships have been strained due in no small part to the compulsion to send extremely annoying (often totally false) E-Mails to your friends who you know damn well aren't going to change their positions. Why tweak somebody with an obviously doctored, totally irrelevant video purporting to show a small Israeli flag on Sarah Palin's desk (of course, in contrast to that "Muslim" whose ancestry, genealogy, etc. has
been "proven" by other E-Mails). Many people, including TNB, have called a truce until November 4. Hopefully, the relationships will survive, as well as the country, although the tone of many E-Mails suggests differently.

Is It Possible?

Is it really possible that:

• Both presidential candidates are running against the Republican party? If you didn't know better (some of our electorate probably doesn't) you would think the McCain/Mooseburger ticket is somehow afraid to mention that the country has been brought to its knees and Washington is so sorely in need of reform under the stewardship not of their opponents but of their own fallen hero--George W. (remember him?). Maybe at the upcoming debates someone will ask them about this strange phenomenon.
• John McCain is figuratively and literally hiding behind Sarah Palin's skirts? On the rare occasions he appears in public without her, few bother to show up. Why should they --to listen to someone who has to read "Good Morning" off a cue card? When she's there she immediately lifts the campaign discourse by emphasizing how she'll be hittin(g), fixin(g), winnin(g) against those baddies in DC, and every moron in America identifies with her. Keep repeatin(g) President Sarah Palin, President Sarah Palin--OMG.
• We'll get to November 4th without any hard nosed journalist gettin(g) (OOPS) to question Sarah? First there was mild mannered professor Charlie Gibson, next is Fox News right wing suck up and sycophant Sean Hannity and then Miss Perky--Katie Couric. NBC is being punished for daring to criticize the odd couple. So those evil men like Brian Williams and Tom Brokaw, who might throw more than softballs, will probably not get the chance to ask her how she would solve the crisis in the financial markets (by fixin it!), deal with the new leaders in Pakistan, Israel and the Vatican (just kiddin) or make sure Russia doesn't invade Wasilla. (Putin is watching her house from Siberia). Wouldn't you rather have Tina Fey?
• After a literal lifetime of sufferin(g), TNB's beloved Chicago Cubs (he backs a lot of losers) wins the World Series only a few days before Barack Obama puts the GOP out of its misery? If this happens, watch out for a coup orchestrated by Dick Cheney. Yes, it could be the best of times or... what was it that Dickens said?

Anything is possible, isn't it?

Sex, Lies and Hypocrisy

With eight weeks to go in what no doubt will be the most vitrioloic presidential campaign in history, already we're wallowing in SEX, LIES and HYPOCRISY. For example:

The SEX angle has been a tabloid boon, thanks to Bristol Palin and her "fiancee" Levi Johnston, whose MySpace page, subsequently removed, was replete with macho posturing, extensive use of the "F" word and concluded (honestly) with "I don't want kids" (condoms are apparently outlawed in Alaska). The lovely couple are giving new meaning to the term "shotgun wedding" since Levi proposed looking down the barrel of Sarah's hunting rifle.

The LIES can only be highlighted:

• Obama is a Muslim (terrorist or dupe, etc.) who has outdone country club Republicans in elitism and arrogance. Sure!
• The media (100% liberal, of course, including Fox News) is mean and nasty to Sarah Palin because they want to ask Mommy Dearest about such unfair matters as her views on say, immigration, the Middle East, Russia, the mortgage/housing crisis, the Supreme Court, taxes, etc. which all the other candidates in both parties have been answering and debating for almost 2 years. They should back off from this inquisition because even by the mediocre standards most Americans hold their Presidents to (see George W. Bush, Phantom not of the Opera but the GOP convention) she would be found to be sadly deficient. Yes, she's feisty, has pizazz and is about 2 inches deep. Memo to disaffected Hillary women--this lady and McCain will make your head spin with their anti-choice, anti gay rights and other right wing proposals. If they're elected, hope for a very Democratic Congress.
• Sarah's Jewish ancestors swam the Bering Strait from Russia to Alaska 100 years ago to escape pogroms. OK--TNB made this up but watch for something like it to appear in some Republican BS (I mean spin).

As to the HYPOCRISY, where to begin? But we must:

• How about Joe Lieberman, badly needing Obama's help in Connecticut in 2006, warmly praising Barack and promising to do anything he can to help the Illinois Senator in the future. Really?
• How about anti Equal Rights Amendment leaders James Dobson and Phyllis Schlafly, among others, who have made careers out of promoting stay at home, subservient mothers, now praising Sarah Palin for her great multitasking ability? Remember the Army/McCarthy hearings--"have you no shame, sir"? OMG.
• How about Sarah Palin herself--great proponent of abstinence only sex "education" for everyone but her own family? After all, who is a better example of HYPOCRISY which is defined in the New Oxford American Dictionary as "the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one's own behavior does not conform"? These people are champs!!!

Gustav and Sarah

Leave it to a male (OK, only a male named hurricane, Gustav) to possibly deter the American people from getting a complete look at the heartwarming story of Sarah Palin.

But since the Republican National Convention has had to somewhat curtail its agenda, TNB is filling in the blanks, in case you've been concentrating on Labor Day or other distractions.

In only four short days since John McCain, in one of the all-time most cynical, pandering and insulting moves ever made by a presidential candidate, named the previously obscure Alaska governor to be his running mate (is that still a good word?), here's what we know:

• Although gynecologically identical to Hillary Clinton, she certainly is not in the least her ideological twin (thanks to Jon Stewart). Her shameless reach for Hillary supporters is frightening but could sadly be somewhat effective. Especially when a few weeks ago, a misguided Hillary delegate made a TV commercial endorsing McCain only to find out later that contrary to what she thought he was not pro choice! You can't overestimate the stupidity of the American people.
• Her many right wing defenders are stretching her credentials to the breaking point. Fox News (honestly) trumpeted her international bona fides by pointing out that Alaska is only a few miles from Russia across the Bering Strait. Watch out, Mr. Putin --she's got her eyes trained on you!
• The family values people don't appear to be upset by the revelation that her teenage, unmarried daughter is pregnant-- "we're all sinners, etc." Imagine if Obama's daughter, if she were older, was pregnant--the racist clucking would be deafening.
• At an interview only a month ago, she seemed uncertain as to what the job of Vice President entailed. For sure, she could continue to hunt--as long as caribou, not friends were shot.
• Finally, she's somewhat of a babe (runner up as Miss Alaska in 1984). This should appeal to the heretofore untapped horny male segment of the electorate.

In fairness to John McCain, he couldn't emulate Obama and pick one of his defeated rivals, who ordinarily would have some stature--Mitt Romney, who reminds one of a slick, Don Draper ("Mad Men") but not as smart, Mike Huckabee, who is quite conservative but lacks Sarah's internal plumbing, Rudy Giuliani who set new records for running a poor campaign and has plenty of personal baggage et al. No wonder McCain was selected by his party.

See the last sentence of first bullet point above. TNB is worried.

Catching Up

After being away from blogging for three weeks (mostly spent in Europe) TNB has had a hard time catching up with all the recent news, but does have a few profound observations.

Should John McCain win the presidency (a distinct possibility) he can thank among other factors, Georgia. No, not the reliable red state (pun intended) he would carry under any circumstances but rather the heretofore obscure former Soviet republic embroiled in yet another ethnic dispute with the big bad bear (pun intended) Russia. Every time some new world crisis flares up, McCain gets votes. No different than 2004 when the GOP successfully played the terror fear card to narrowly reelect W. Hasn't that been great for the country? TNB recently visited Russia briefly and got an education in attitudes of ordinary Russians--scary.

Barack Obama's efforts to look strong have consisted of picking an attack dog (albeit qualified) as his running mate. Most of you probably haven't noticed but Obama recently was interviewed on ESPN and asked (since of course he's a Chicagoan) who he would support if somehow both the Cubs and White Sox made the World Series (this happens once a century). As a South Sider, like Mayor Daley, he understandably prefers the White Sox. But, he then went on to diss Cubs fans (doesn't he know they're all over the country?) as beer drinking tourists who know nothing about baseball!!! I assume he wasn't referring to TNB, whose baseball knowledge can probably be matched against most anyone. Can't you just see Obama, a few weeks before the election, making a surprise appearance at Wrigley Field wearing a Cubs hat (this should only happen) should they be playing say Tampa Bay from an important state like Florida? Why is it that the Democrats continually pick wussy candidates-- see Stevenson, McGovern, Dukakis, Kerry et al?

This reminds TNB of 2000, when carpetbagger Hillary Clinton, attempting to secure a Senate seat in her "adopted" state of New York, wore a Yankees cap proclaiming she was a lifelong fan when she had grown up in suburban Chicago and was really a fan of (gasp!) the Cubs. All this proves is how craven politicians can be. Hillary does look a lot tougher than Barack, but her supporters should get real-- if many do vote for McCain, do they realize what they're getting? Actually, someone who in a few days, will be the same age as TNB, but without the Internet skills.

What Happens Next

Since TNB and Mrs. TNB will be leaving shortly for a few weeks on a European trip, how will all (?) of you devoted readers get your enlightened comments on current events? Not to worry, because TNB will tell you in advance what will happen next. And unlike weather forecasters, sports prognosticators and the like, upon returning he will review his predictions and admit if any don't pan out.

• Politics-- Both Barack Obama and John McCain will announce their vice presidential nominees. The media will have a field day delving into every aspect of the two individuals' backgrounds, including interviews with childhood friends from 30 to 50 years ago, who will tell all about the candidate's first kiss, drug experimentation (if any), school behavior including copying on exams and other relevant matters which will greatly help the electorate in determining ultimate fitness for high office.
• Olympics-- After thousands of arrests of dissidents, interference with journalists access to the Internet and killer (literally) pollution affecting athletes and spectators, China will announce that the Games were the most successful in history, thus justifying the selection of their country as a worthy member of the civilized world. There will be no doping scandals, because no tests will work in the Chinese smog.
• Other Sports-- At least 3 NFL stars will sustain serious injury in meaningless exhibition games. Tiger Woods will get special dispensation to ride a cart so that he can win the PGA tournament (and help TV ratings). Two 20 year old female tennis stars will announce their retirement, citing burnout from playing or practicing every day since the age of 8. A dozen or more college football players will be arrested, although most will still play this season.
• Celebrities-- Not fewer than five breakups will be announced. Most will not result in divorces, since few of these people are actually married to their partners, although there are often children involved. The pending Hollywood actors' strike will be averted by the threat to use replacements who are out of work politicians, particularly those who did not make the vice presidential cut (see above).

Now you don't have to bother with the actual news, but can spend more time enjoying the summer, or perhaps writing your own blog.

English as a First Language

TNB has always marveled at immigrants to the United States (generally excluding Canadians, Brits, Aussies, etc.) who must learn English as a second language. Our mother tongue contains so many idioms and homonyms (to, too, two or read/read for example) as well as words that are not pronounced phonetically (like colonel) that mastering English is almost an impossible task for foreign born people.

Sadly, mastering English as a first language is becoming much more difficult. The main culprit is the technology that has made daily life so much "easier". The widespread use of text and instant messaging, with its own peculiar shorthand, among today's youth is subverting grammar, spelling and overall literacy. How can we expect mastery of English when even 8 year olds communicate with "words" like LOL, RU, BTW and so on? Even The Normal Blogger has occasionally used these terms to be cute. It won't be so cute when someday soon Shakespeare's most famous passage is written "2B R NT 2B". It does save space!

Also subverting the English language is the belief among many otherwise intelligent people that anything they read on the Internet (written well or poorly--it doesn't matter) must be true. If Barack Obama loses the election, one main factor (like the swiftboating of John Kerry) will be the incessant lies about him spread over the Internet as if they were the gospel, which somehow many people have believed in for several millennia without benefit of E-Mail. He is not or was he ever a Muslim, was not planted by Al Qaeda and is not a terrorist despite what some anonymous liar has sent me electronically. The senders of such garbage are the real terrorists.

Unfortunately, there's not a lot to believe except of course The Normal Blog.


OMG, OMG (and oy vey).

Who's on Second

During the 30 year period from 1945 through 1974, three men (Truman, Johnson, Ford) moved up from the secondary position of Vice President to become President after, respectively, a sudden stroke, an assassination and a resignation. In the last 34 years, there have been no such events. Certainly, no one wants to see one now with only 6 months left of the disastrous presidency of George W. Bush (see the latest hilarious JibJab cartoon) with Darth Vader waiting in the wings as #2. But with the nominating conventions just around the corner, it is important to analyze the potential choices for second place on both the Obama and McCain tickets.

Conventional wisdom is that both men will pick a governor to balance the experience factor since of course they're both Senators. Among those governors mentioned are Democrats Tim Kaine (VA), Bill Richardson (NM), Kathleen Sebelius (KS) and Ted Strickland (OH). Also, Republicans Charlie Crist (FL), Mike Easley (NC), Bobby Jindal (LA) and Tim Pawlenty (MN). Two of the latter four would bring sort of a minority presence (sexual orientation, Asian heritage) to the GOP, while Richardson would need to lose the goatee.

But why go for a more or less mainstream choice? TNB will now examine 4 much more "exotic" candidates who each would bring a certain excitement to this devastatingly long, boring campaign. Obama now has his Iraq photo op to match McCain. Yawn. But I digress. Let's consider the following:

Michael Bloomberg The New York City mayor needs no campaign funding, has done an admirable job (way better then Rudy) of running a city larger than many states and indeed nations and seems reasonably normal (like this blog). Handicap= he's a closet Democrat who would probably have to run with McCain. Exciting possibility.

Hillary Clinton Recently defeated in a marathon primary race, she has great name recognition, albeit much of it negative, plus a fervent and loyal mostly female following who probably can be convinced to pull the Democratic lever. Handicap= Bill. Very exciting possibility (if she can finally dump the handicap).

Al Gore It's highly unlikely that he would accept second place but considering his Nobel and Oscar winning environmental image, maybe if the VP position was relabeled say God, he might reconsider. Handicap= Stiff campaigner who would bore voters to death before global warming finished them. Not too exciting possibility.

Joe Lieberman Could be on both Democratic and Republican tickets within 8 years. Supports McCain and Iraq War but provides narrow margin by which Senate is organized by Democrats.
Handicap= Although an observant Jew, his name on 2000 ballot couldn't encourage elderly Jewish voters to abandon Pat Buchanan, thus resulting in mess we're now in. A strange possibility, but isn't everything?

Summer Doldrums

August historically has been the month where "dog days" are prevalent. Hot weather, not much going on, many people on vacation, etc. so that the fortnight leading up to Labor Day rarely has contained much excitement and many of us fall into the doldrums. This year, however, August has the Olympics, the Democratic convention and locally 2 Chicago teams possibly heading for a World Series clash (!) among other known events. So instead the doldrums have been moved back to July, which we're right in the middle of. The lack of hard news had been creating a sense of ennui in TNB, until he was rescued by the following:

• Another "I didn't know the mike was on" moment, this time involving the increasingly irrelevant professional camera hog Jesse Jackson. Imagine what the uproar would have been had Jesse suggested that an equally sensitive part of Hillary's anatomy be cut off. Even Bill would have sprung into action (I think). BTW, don't these guys (remember W. talking to Tony Blair over lunch in Germany?) know what an off switch looks like?
• New Yorker magazine reaching not only its normal intellectual readership but becoming popular (OK, just the cover-- nobody is reading it, God forbid) with middle and lower America as well, thanks to its somewhat heavy handed attempt at satirizing the Obama paranoia among many conservative voters. Paranoia might be a code word for something worse, but even TNB doesn't want to go there--yet.
• The usual round of breathless celebrity news. For example, TNB was confused by an Internet headline referring to C-Rod. Yes, he eventually realized that it was Cynthia Rodriguez , wife of baseball superstar Alex (A-Rod) whom she's apparently divorcing for taking kaballah lessons from Madonna (M-Rod??). This name shortening has got to stop. In baseball there's (honestly) Ivan Rodriguez (I-Rod), Frankie Rodriguez (K-Rod) and others. If you don't have a name that can be sliced off (there's Jesse again) for headlines, think of a reverse name change. It'll be worth it.
• Instances of mayhem and/or stupidity that occasionally stand out. Like the Appalachian preacher who was arrested for having 100 venomous snakes in his fundamentalist church because "the Bible told him to do it". Several parishioners have died of snake bite. Is this what they mean by speaking in tongues? As the local sheriff said, you can buy anything (e.g., the snakes) on the Internet except common sense. The latter, of course, is why you read The Normal Blog.

The Youth Culture

Merely by browsing, TNB recently noticed in a 2005 edition of The New Oxford American Dictionary that the word "blog" was partially defined as a ..."weblog run by twenty-something Americans with at least an unhealthy interest in computers". A later dictionary has gotten with the program by describing a blog as "a website for producing ongoing narratives". The earlier (only 3 years ago!) definition illustrates the frightening separation of attitudes between the more mature generation (e.g. those who write dictionairies) and today's youth or "twenty- somethings". TNB, who was last a twenty something when LBJ was president, is disturbed by the incredible obsession with being young (even if you're not), as manifested by the following:

• In advertising, the most desirable demographic is often 25-54 years of age. This means that most products (other than medicines, assisted living, etc.) are designed and marketed with the idea that people of say 55 or older are over the hill and so set in their buying habits that commercials and other ads can't penetrate their dementia ridden skulls. How then to explain all the people known to TNB who well after age 55, started to buy autos tht were not what they used to drive (Lexus, BMW, etc)? The biggest culprit is AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) which for years has welcomed people in the prime of life (50) to its benefits, thus fostering the ridiculous notion that reaching that age is synonomous with "geezer".
• The often pathetic attempts to "look younger" have caused expensive, high risk cosmetic surgery to become socially acceptable. Additionally, enough is spent on anti-aging creams, lotions and potions to probably retire the national debt. Taking care of oneself, even while suffering the ignominy of a wrinkled neck, is really far more important so that "feeling younger" can replace outward "beauty" as a worthy goal.
• The habits of the younger generation seem to be permeating all of society. The total dependence of Gen X and Gen Y on technological aids or gizmos has greatly influenced how we all live. It is proving to be increasingly difficult (if not embarrassing) to have just a simple cell phone without E-Mail, videos, Internet surfing, photos and other features (see earlier posts on the rudeness this electronic world has created.) It is entirely possible that before we all really do suffer from dementia that newspapers as we now know them will largely disappear to be replaced with real time information displayed in your hand. This will be particularly wonderful while driving.

TNB is not advocating that an "Old" culture somehow supersede the "Youth" orientation. Only that we don't rush headlong into everything new only because it has been embraced by young people. We seniors still know a thing or two, but I forgot what.

Dumb and Dumber

For some time now, there has been a lot of anguish over the apparent (better yet obvious) dumbing down of America. The pegging of standards for educational curricula to the LCD (lowest common denominator) is one reason why the Chinese and others are leaping past us in science and math--and causing oil prices to be so high, among other issues, because of their business smarts. In many quarters, it just isn't "cool" to be too smart. You know --the geeks and nerds like say Bill Gates. Who wants to be like him??

Nevertheless, it's really disturbing that for a job as important as President of the U.S. there appears to be a concerted effort to dumb down the campaign rhetoric. First, Hillary Clinton, a brilliant Ivy League law graduate, tried mightily to dumb down her image to appeal to vast swaths of LCD's. Sadly, she was moderately successful, which has now caused Barack Obama, being criticized for being an elitist, to try to almost deny that he's an intellectual and (gasp!)smart to boot. Look what's happened for the past 8 years under the ultimate LCD president(proud of his "gentleman's C's", probably paid for by Poppy). Talk about change--a smart chief executive would be quite a contrast. It's not a job for dummies, as the incumbent has painfully proven.

Also, isn't it interesting that Obama, a black man with no significant background or social status, is being criticized as too elitist by country club white Republicans who would never have accepted him in their elite environs. This is a great country after all--it's time for the July 4th reminders of this in case you've forgotten.

Speaking of dumb--could anyone really care about the fashion and makeup habits of the candidates' spouses? Recently, it was breathlessly reported that Michelle was seen at the East Bank Club pool in Chicago without makeup. Does this reflect badly on the candidate? I'm sure that if Hillary had won, there would be renewed interest in whether Bill wears boxers or briefs. Of course, that question was originally posed BM (before Monica).

When Did It Happen

WHEN DID IT HAPPEN that it became acceptable for airlines to squeeze out the last ounce of civility from air travel by introducing "a la carte"pricing? Should you need to check a bag or two, a real luxury for most travelers, how about an extra fee on top of of the greatly increased fares resulting from oil price gouging (sorry, just the "law of supply and demand" at work). Or if you're hungry on a 4 hour flight (of course delayed an hour or two) and failed to bring any food aboard, how about a bag of chips or a cookie for $3 (credit cards accepted). No doubt we will soon see a matron outside the lavatory passing out individual sheets of toilet paper for say 25 cents (credit cards accepted).

WHEN DID IT HAPPEN that it is no longer shocking to see people parading around in obscene T-shirts, incredibly revealing outfits (just love those coin slots!) and in general nauseating everyone with any taste or decorum? George Carlin, who just unfortunately died yesterday, wouldn't believe that his famous "seven dirty words that you couldn't say on TV" are now not only routinely on cable and in the movies, but often spelled out on the backs of someone sitting next to you in the airport, at the theatre, in restaurants, everywhere. And there are still parents who worry about what their kids can access on the Internet? Also, doesn't anyone use a mirror anymore? Can't a friend tell them how bad they look with their often ample middles, bosoms, etc. bared for all to see? This assumes the friend isn't just as gross.

WHEN DID IT HAPPEN that current technology has brought the rude cell phone user (see May 24 post) to a new low? The latest trend seems to be turning on your mute phone in the theatre to read the program in the dark or better yet compose text messages, check your E mails, get the baseball scores and who knows what else. Idea for Hollywood-- a horror movie where a virus (bacterial or electronic) renders all cell phones inactive for say 8 hours. Oh my God--back to the 20th Century!!! That's the horror.

It's obvious to TNB WHEN ALL THIS HAPPENED--when he wasn't looking.

Miscellany

Miscellany or mishmash, hodgepodge, potpourri, olio (great crossword puzzle word), assortment, etc. all mean a jumble of unrelated matters. So why not?

• In the May 17th post, TNB suggested (tongue in cheek as usual) that a McCain/Hillary ticket might happen. Have you noticed how much attention this possibility (???) has received in the media now that Hillary has made her rather ungracious exit? Supposedly, Obama is looking for a military man (Jim Webb, Wesley Clark) as his veep. Considering the battles Hillary has fought, she doesn't qualify? BTW, have you also noticed how many powerful women are known mostly by their first names (Hillary, Oprah, Madonna) while even men with unique first names (Barack) aren't generally referred to this way. Is this some sort of sexism?
• Speaking of sexism, the good news is that the great AMC series Mad Men returns for a second season beginning Sunday, July 27. If you don't know, the brilliantly written and acted series takes place in the early 60's and TNB is old enough to verify that it is bitingly accurate as to the rampant misogyny, smoking, racism and other facets of society that are hard to believe today were taken for granted back then. Not that everything's so perfect in 2008 (see teen drug use, massive credit card debt, America's decline as a world power).
• Since it's been a long time since the last TNB movie reviews, here are two capsule critiques for the price of one. In the interest of all you readers, TNB and Mrs. TNB attended adjoining mall showings of Sex and the City (her) and Adam Sandler's Zohan movie (him). She gave the former a solid 3 stars (great fashion, very graphic--a major change of course from the 60's mentioned above). He (of dubious low taste) roared at the coarse, filthy, rather poorly made Zohan but believes that many of the jokes are way over the heads of the core teenage audience (unbelievably a PG13) it will attract. A grudging 3 stars.
• The recent "annoyances" post has naturally elicited a lot of personal pet peeves which are being stored (!) for a future book (just kidding or am I?). On a point of personal privilege , my new heroine is a clerk at a fast food counter who told Matt Lauer that she refused to accept a taped "I'm sorry " forced by a judge on some idiots who threw a hot drink in her face yelling "fire in the hole" to be later shown on YouTube. In today's world every sort of rude, stupid and aberrant behavior is supposed to be immediately excused by an automatic "I'm sorry"? I'm sorry to say I don't buy that just mouthing those words should make the victims feel better. No punishment of any sort is meted out for any offense. This is NOT an improvement over 1961 (spanking was then acceptable).

What is Normal

Well, the poorly kept secret is out--the word "Normal" in this blog's title doesn't refer (see more below) to the usual, standard, regular, expected mental condition of TNB, but rather to the movie theater pictured (circa 1970) at left. This theater, at the corner of 119th and Normal on Chicago's far South Side, was operated by TNB's parents from 1953 to 1981 and was where TNB learned how to make popcorn, change posters and most important for his prolific literary career write incisive 4 line ads with the correct show times (not a standard practice in those days). Since we're halfway between Mother's Day and Father's Day, it's time to reveal the homage to TNB's parents to which this blog is dedicated.

As far as "normal" is concerned, don't we all believe that we each provide the most accurate measure of just what that word describes? Anybody whose outlook, demeanor, conduct, appearance, etc. varies from ours to any significant degree is thought of as "abnormal", defined generally as undesirably deviating from (naturally) our impression of "normal". Remember the preserved brain marked "abnormal" in the movie "Young Frankenstein" (shown at the Normal Theater in 1971)? After the Doctor's assistant Igor mistook it for a person's name (A. B. Normal) this apparently damaged specimen was inserted in the head of the monster created in the very non-normal lab operated by Dr. Frankenstein. Ultimately, of course, the monster has the last laugh or actually, if you recall, the next to last laugh. If there is a moral (in a Mel Brooks movie?) it's that anybody can be mislabeled as abnormal if they don't exactly conform to our expectations.

BTW (by the way for you non-hip readers) would you say Hillary Clinton's acting "normal" these days (by most standards)? Although last week's post gave 10 to 1 odds that she would magnanimously and modestly agree to be Barack Obama's running mate, nothing of the sort has yet happened. This might be the result of, among other things, Michelle Obama's not wanting Bill Clinton to be sort of "second spouse". Who can blame her, given Bill's extremely "abnormal" behavior during the campaign? This appears to be the new "normal" for him.

Odds and Odd

Since The Normal Blogger is a respected gambler (once a year at the races, the $5 blackjack table on a cruise ship, the NCAA pool) he is naturally qualified to set the odds on the likely occurrence of the following matters of current interest.

Odds that upon the conclusion of the final primary in insignificant South Dakota (it all began in not too important Iowa), Hillary Clinton, having failed to scale Mount Rushmore, will magnanimously and modestly agree to be Barack Obama's running mate. 10 to 1

Odds that the Secret Service will employ a royal taster for any food or drink that might be offered to President Obama by Vice President Clinton (or Bill), especially after Hillary played the "assassination" card. 2 to 1

Odds that anyone will believe anything now written or previously uttered by former Bush press secretary Scott McClellan, the latest example of someone in the public eye having a sudden conscience attack in order to sell a book that nobody reads since all the good parts are revealed in advance. 100 to 1

Odds that in the near future, there will be an all Asian major league infield of Hu, Yu, Wu and Nu (OK, the latter is Yiddish). This is also odd because at a recent game at Wrigley Field, it was announced that "Who's on First". No, not the old Abbott and Costello routine but actually Dodger pinch runner Chin Lung Hu, who is really a shortstop. 20 to 1

Odds that a groom on his honeymoon at the famous resort Days Inn of Merrillville, Indiana will attempt to drown his bride in a hot tub and bite off part of her skin for refusing his amorous advances. Off the Board
No betting on this one, since it actually happened (allegedly). Talk about ODD.

Annoyances

None of these are earth shattering or thank goodness life threatening but maybe you'll recognize some of the daily annoyances facing The Normal Blogger and indeed all of us.

• Rude Cell Phone Users Don't you just love those individuals who insist on carrying on loud, lengthy and often very personal conversations in the most public of places--commuter trains, restaurants, doctors' waiting rooms, etc.? Should you even glance their way while they are so preoccupied, they act as if you're invading their space instead of the opposite. Suggestion--try whistling to distract them.
• Automated Answering Systems What's more frustrating --being placed in "cell hell" (on hold) interminably while being reassured that "your call is important to us" (if it were, a human would be employed to respond) or when someone actually picks up you find that it's the wrong person, they don't have a clue or they're in Bangladesh or all of the above? Suggestion-- leave a slightly profane message and see if someone responds (perhaps the authorities).
• Illiterate E-Mails Ever wonder why otherwise intelligent, educated and civilized people send you E-Mails that are poorly punctuated (if at all), riddled with typos and misspellings and in general look like English is the sender's second language? Apparently, there's such an air of informality associated with computers that anything goes. This of course has led to the younger generation's aptitude with text and instant messages, all written in some kind of code (LOL, BTY) that seems like Latin to TNB. Suggestion-- try sending your E-Mails in code and see if anyone notices. They'll probably think it's just a typo.
• Prices Ending in Nine Does anyone really believe that $4.299 per gallon isn't the same as $4.30? Or that a home listed for $799,999 isn't the same as $800,000? Or that an auto listed at $29,999 isn't being erroneously reported as "under $30,000"? Are we so psyched out by the next higher round amount that we'll be prevented from purchasing the item in question? Hard to imagine. Suggestion-- insist on paying the higher round amount saying "keep the change" (even at the gas station it's only a penny or two). You'll feel a lot better and be proud of yourself. TNB will also be proud of you.
• Medical Commercials Appearing primarily on TV programs generally watched by seniors such as the news (or frequently in the case of Viagra and its colleagues on sporting events) the Federally restrictive advertising of pharmaceutical products has given birth to a whole new genre of commercials. These are generally shot in sort of a gauzy haze with extremely healthy looking actors hawking the latest cure for some disease you've hopefully never heard of but with the most dire side effects imaginable. Most are pretty offensive despite the high production values. Suggestion-- as the commercials instruct you, ask your doctor about all these medications, relevant to you or otherwise. Be prepared however to be charged for the physician's response (or maybe you'll get a sample).

24

Naturally, the number 24 is very significant in our daily lives. The ubiquitous term "24/7" can't be avoided as in "our staff is on call 24/7 to serve you" which often means you can reach a robot or someone in Calcutta whenever you desire. And of course there's the popular Fox series "24" which depicts a different hour of the same day spread out over a 24 week TV season. But TNB has unearthed an even more relevant example of just how important this number is to all of us.

Hard to believe but this coming Tuesday, May 20 will mark the beginning of the last 24 weeks of the presidential campaign. Yes, only 168 more days to be assaulted with campaign rhetoric, TV ads (just wait until October), debates, editorials , etc. Now that it appears (still not certain on the Democratic side) that it will be McCain vs. Obama, attention is turning towards the possible vice presidential choices. The pundits suggest someone to "balance the ticket" (as a CPA in his day job TNB loves for things to be in balance). The VP must be from a different part of the country, be either older or younger than the respective presidential nominees, have appeal to a somewhat different constituency and of course be "qualified" to assume the presidency if need be.

Mike Huckabee had been mentioned as a possibility for the Republicans until he chewed off his toes with a remark to the NRA about maybe someone shooting Obama. We don't need this kind of "humor". So why not, as they say, shouldn't McCain think "out of the box" (a very strange term, if you think about it)? Why not someone who fits the above criteria and has been frequently mentioned as a VP possibility? Yes, Hillary !!! Considering the actuarial tables, she probably has a better chance of fulfilling her destiny as McCain's running mate, rather than Obamas. And speaking of consituencies, she could easily bring along the toothless, obese, racist ("I'd never vote for that darky") vote that she apparently appeals to in Appalachia and perhaps elsewhere.

The Bottom Line

The disturbing economic news of the day has few silver linings. Everyone seems to be hurting, what with gas prices at $4 per gallon and rising food, tuition and other costs at all time highs, depressed housing markets and foreclosures all over the news and (gasp!) even some hedge fund managers and CEO's of certain major companies seeing their often obscene bonuses reduced to merely profane. In addition, there are all the chain store closings and layoffs. Of course, the rebate checks are coming!!!

Since, as most of you know, TNB has spent his pre-literary career in the business world, primarily as an auditor, he feels the compelling need to explain many of the complex, technical and arcane terms regarding business and the economy that might be confusing. Auditors are taught to exercise healthy skepticism in their dealings with clients and others. It's not a stretch for some of you to perceive that the slightly sarcastic attitude of this blog is a result of such "healthy "skepticism having a few medical issues. So, in the spirit of such cynicism (healthy or otherwise) following are several important terms you need to understand:

• We're Going In A Different Direction This isn't, as you might expect, heading to the North Pole when the South Pole was your destination. This generally means "you're fired" (very indirect for say Donald Trump) or we've chosen another supplier, product, location or whatever. Why be direct when a euphemism makes you feel better?
• We've Met Our Targeted Expectations When results are poor, companies often claim that despite regrouping, retrenchment, political upheaval in some obscure foreign country or perhaps global warming, they at least achieved the (extremely modest) amounts that had been predicted. Of course, these excuses can't last too long before the executives of the company in question are asked to go in a different direction.
• We Haven't Seen The Lawsuit Yet When particularly embarrassing litigation or worse yet criminal action has been brought against a company it's always better to delay comments until the "spin doctors" (see post of April 28) can get their act together. Then they'll probably state "we believe this action to be without merit and intend to fight it vigorously", which means that we'll stall indefinitely and hope for a reasonable settlement or for the legal fees to ruin the other side.
• We Are Focused On The Bottom Line This sometimes means simply that a company hopes that its net income (reported on the bottom line of its operating statement) will be well above "targeted expectations" (see above) or conversely its net loss (same bottom line) won't be too unexplainable, even by a spin doctor. Or it may mean that the company's entire criterion for success is such bottom line, even at the risk of say polluting the environment or producing inferior or harmful products. Watch the bottom line, measure it accurately (that's the auditor talking) but don't be obsessed by it.

Page Six

Although The Normal Blog is known far and wide (!) for its high level of intellectual discourse, there has been a clamor (OK one person) for at least one downmarket issue (or post--see below) covering the celebrity kinks and foibles everyone really cares about. So emulating the famous Page Six gossip coverage of the New York Post (actually it's usually found on page 8 or 10) we will give TNB's comments on the following pressing matters:

Miley Cyrus and the Vanity Fair photo-- With all the adults supposedly outraged over 15 year old tween heroine Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana baring her shoulder and her green bra strap, you would think Disney's billion dollar franchise was being threatened by an outbreak of acne or something among their core audience of 6 to 14 year old girls. Surprisingly to those of you who perceive TNB as a Gen Xer in real life he has, among other grandchildren, girls 6, 8 and 11, all devoted fans who are possibly in mortal danger of being offended by the provocative Annie Leibowitz shot. Or are they? None of them are even aware of the controversy, probably sparked by the magazine or the movie studio for some great free publicity.

Roger Clemens and the Country Singer--So the famous Texas born pitcher, HGH spokesperson and darling of fawning GOP congressmen is alleged to have had an affair with a 15 year old (now grown into a 32 year old in drug rehab, but I digress). TNB is only concerned that she wasn't one of the dozens of vulnerable teenagers, most of whom are regularly pregnant by their brothers or uncles or someone similar, from the infamous polygamy compound. Roger didn't have to sink that low, did he?

Barbara Walters and Edward Brooke--No big surprise that in order to sell more copies of her upcoming autobiography (carefully edited, of course), Barbara disclosed a long ago affair with then married Edward Brooke, who interestingly was the last black man elected to the US Senate prior to you know who. This should dispel that canard about bad relations between Jews and African-Americans. Apparently, their relations were OK (wait for the book!). TNB really misses the late, great Gilda Radner with her devastating impressiom of Barbara WaWa.

After an entire post has been devoted to the trashy tabloid stories of the day, feel secure that in the future TNS will once again take the moral high ground.

Spin

One of the many accepted definitions of the word "spin" is to impart information with a favorable interpretation. When you think about it, we all engage in spinning of this sort throughout our lives . As children we might say "the dog ate my homework (or perhaps today disconnected the internet)", as teens it might be "but I really love you" and on college and employment applications a sort of "robust" resume might be included. Some would call these lies (little white or otherwise), others might describe them as harmless exaggerations or just doing what everyone else does. But really they're early forms of Spin.

But the real, professional, serious Spin occurs not only in say the business world with unsupported marketing and advertising claims but of course in politics. No matter what, there's a favorable interpretation immediately available of the results of an election, a poll, a debate, a gaffe, an endorsement. You name it. If the candidate does poorly, he or she was the underdog anyway and has certainly exceeded expectations. This only makes sense sometimes if expectations are for a complete failure. Nobody admits that in advance.

It's really curious that the most expert practitioners of this are known as "Spin Doctors"because another accepted definition of "spin" is to give a sensation of dizziness. After the interminable primary season, are you as dizzy as The Normal Blogger? If only the "Spin Doctors" could prescribe something. Probably, the side effects would be horrible (like watching John McCain try to bond with poor blacks) and in any event we'd have to "ask our doctor" (the real one).

This and That

Did you know that after Dick Cheney (!) the current Presidential succession consists of, in order, a sixtyish white woman, an aged Senator and an African-American with a strange first name? No, not Hillary Clinton, John McCain and Barack Obama. How about (really) Nancy Pelosi, Robert Byrd (very aged) and Condoleezza Rice. If the latter three were the candidates, could it get any more depressing? The latest Democratic debate certainly was incisive and enlightening, wasn't it? Instead of the surrogates (Geraldine Ferraro, etc.) making the gaffes it's the contenders themselves. But do these offhand remarks really provide any evidence on fitness to lead the nation, which is rapidly becoming obsessed with sound bites instead of substance.

Just when the primary season might actually be winding down, last Fall's TV writers strike has inadvertently come to the rescue. Most of the scripted shows (Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, etc.) have been on hiatus, meaning reruns, but thankfully they're all returning. Their outrageous plots are certainly no more bizarre than today's headlines (e.g., pregnant man). And how about the polygamy sect in Texas? There was an HBO series last year called Big Love that might have been based on this real life drama. One of the wives, played by Chloe Sevigny, had a hairdo identical to the women in this sect. The next fashion craze?

Diehard baseball fans are breathlessly awaiting the return this season of three involuntarily retired superstars with lots of baggage--Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Sammy Sosa. If none of them gets a contract offer, they'll all be first timers on the 2013 Hall of Fame ballot. Could be interesting.

Sports of Sorts

Honestly, how many Americans seriously care about the quadrennial Summer Olympics? About as many as who are passionate about the World Cup of football (soccer to us Yanks). We care about American football, basketball, baseball (see below) even NASCAR over the Olympics. Quick, name some gold medal winners from the 2004 Athens games. But NBC has paid $900 million for the rights to the upcoming Beijing games and has signed up a bunch of increasingly nervous sponsors to bring us many hours of taped results (available real time on the Internet and elsewhere). The sponsors are nervous because once again politics has raised its ugly head (remember Moscow 1980?) pushing drug tests into the background. Caused by protests of China's abysmal human rights record (Tibet, Darfur) but curiously not their penchant for exporting defective and poisoned goods, the torch relay has been interrupted in San Francisco as well as London and Paris. This relay originated not with the ancient Greeks but as part of the infamous 1936 Berlin games. Worse yet, British PM Gordon Brown won't attend the opening ceremonies. Probably President Bush will attend recognizing who exactly owns our country.

Baseball is back and a certain team is attempting to celebrate the centennial of William Howard Taft's election as president by winning the World Series (even getting into it would be the first time since Harry Truman's initial year). All this excitement, coupled with 15 major league games played almost daily provides enormous material for that weird form of verbal blogger known as the caller to sports talk radio. If that's possible, most of these men (there are few females) are less informed and more opinionated than us "real" bloggers. Of course, the callers don't run the same risk as some of the professional bloggers, that is actually keeling over from the stress of coming up with daily or hourly blogs. Unfortunately, even a few deaths have been reported. Don't worry-- the Normal Blogger is certainly not stressed out, and certainly won't be until five or ten thousand people are totally dependent on this blog for unusually perceptive information.

The Entertainment Scene

Once the Democratic race is finally over (but don't count out Hillary yet) what are the late night comedians going to do for topical jokes? Can you expect there to be another Eliot Spitzer or Larry Craig to provide daily material? Probably yes, which is what makes our country great! Out of desperation, I've noticed that even poor George W. is being used to fill the insatiable need for someone to make fun of. Is there no end to the same old, same old jokes about Bush 43? Everyone has the message already. Let's move on to some new targets. Any candidates?

Some readers of the Normal Blog (there aren't very many--yet) feel that the comments about John Adams were unfair to him. But blame HBO and Paul Giamatti for portraying him as totally lacking in personality and charm, unlike his wife Abigail. Contrast him with his opposite number (sort of) on Sunday night on Showtime--- Henry VIII in The Tudors. Now there was a stud, not a dud. Of course, he did have a few of his wives executed, but hey, those were different times. Even the sex on The Tudors is graphic, not discreet as in the Adams household (maybe because John and Abigail apparently never frolicked in the woods with only their horses nearby).

Israel was criticized in some movie circles for not entering The Band's Visit as their official entry for Best Foreign Language Film at the 2007 Oscars. But, after seeing it, I can understand why. Although it's subtitled in entirety, it's primarily spoken in English with some Hebrew and Arabic. By the way, it's an excellent film and you'll love the luminous Israeli actress, Ronit Elkabatz. Speaking of multilanguage movies, there's also the current The Year My Parents Went on Vacation, mostly in Portuguese but with some Yiddish. A very unusual combination.

Fun and Games

It's now apparent why, unlike his contemporaries George Washington ($1 bill), Thomas Jefferson ($2), Alexander Hamilton ($10) and Ben Franklin ($100), John Adams is not portrayed on any US currency. If he was anything like the simpering wimp currently being portrayed on the HBO mini series, it's a wonder he was elected President followed not too long after by his son John Quincy? Is there some historical precedent here? If Abigail had been born 200 years later she would easily have been the first woman to attain that office (also a first lady!).

More fun from Oliver Stone--The director of JFK, Nixon, Platoon, etc. is making a movie about the "formative years" of the current President, with Josh Brolin cast as W. Actually, Oliver should lighten up. Who better to portray Bush 43 than Will Ferrell, who did a devastating sendup on Saturday Night Live? He might need to tone down the unfair portrayal of the President as a boob.

In the games department, I could understand why in this era of violent video games and total impatience on the part of Gen X, Gen Y and Gen Z'ers (???) with the slow pace of baseball , it has been replaced by pro football as our unofficial national pastime. But now they have both been eclipsed by March Madness and the millions of people entering NCAA brackets online and elsewhere. Great knowledge of college basketball not necessary. A 10 year old of my close acquaintance is beating me (so is most everyone else). This latest obsession will probably lead to a Las Vegas type sports book in every office and school.

Random Thoughts

Wouldn’t the perfect running mate for Barack Obama be Silda Spitzer? Like an even more famous current candidate, she’s an Ivy League educated lawyer who has years of experience closely watching a superstar politician husband. She would attract the same humiliated woman sympathy that many white women feel for Hillary and to boot she’s a Baptist converted to Judaism, which would attract even more constituencies. But first, she’d have to dump Eliot. We can’t have him only a heartbeat away from being first lady.

I wonder why more political campaigns don’t travel with a resident veterinarian. There seems to be an epidemic of “hoof in mouth” disease. Every other day, it seems, either the candidate (McCain) or their advisors (for Obama and Clinton) are saying something so stupid that the spin doctors have to work overtime. Makes you sort of dizzy, doesn’t it?

Interesting that Bear Stearns offices were in the then relatively new World Trade Center when the 1987 stock market collapse caused them to move out, thus fortuitously removing them from the consequences of 9/11. The current implosion at least didn’t cost any lives. Unlike 1929, most office building windows don’t open. Otherwise, some disenchanted investors and employees might be tempted to do some pushing of the current version of Masters of the Universe. That term was coined by Tom Wolfe in his classic Bonfire of the Vanities written in, believe it or not, 1987. We never do learn from history, do we?

Movie Musings

Every critic (this one too) agrees that Karl Markovics gives an outstanding performance as the protagonist in the Oscar winning foreign film The Counterfeiters. Why then didn’t he receive a nomination from the Academy? After all, Marion Cotillard won the Oscar for her performance in a foreign language film La Vie En Rose. Could it be the dreaded “great roles for men but few for women” syndrome?

After all the Brits and Aussies who play (always very well) Americans in movies set in the Colonies (OK the States), it was a refreshing change to see a movie set in England. Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day, featuring Fargo’s Frances McDormand playing a Brit—a vicar’s daughter no less. Maybe it’s me but somehow our English accents don’t sound as authentic as their American ones do. Must be the quality of education.

To slightly change the subject, isn’t it sad that we’re so security conscious (terrified) that movie theaters are now locking all their doors from the outside once the last movie has begun? What happens if there’s a family emergency? If you call, you’ll get a recorded message with the show times. The next step will probably be locking the patrons in so they can’t leave even if the movie is awful.